Stay on your toes

I have tried to write a post for several weeks now. I can't find the words. I've been so angry. Angry at the injustice. Angry at the ignorance. Angry at the complacency. It is not fair.

I'd rather be angry then deal with the sadness and frustration of feeling that my hands are tied a continent away.  I'd rather be angry then acknowledge the guilt once again of all that I have while others suffer so. 

I grieved for them, the lives lost due to not having clean drinking water. I wept as I scrolled down and took in the beautiful innocent faces. I groaned for the families that will be haunted forever by the phone call that held the tragic news. How do you even start to put the pieces back together? How do you wrestle with the whys without it crippling you? I trembled as I read the raw posts of those families walking in the valley, yet testifying of a grief mingled hope because they walk in faith.  I drew away from the words humbled because they are finding grace sufficient.

This is just one orphanage.  I can't even wrap my mind around the voiceless suffering that is undocumented.   

I grieve for those in the wait, who are suffocating in the red tape of a maimed system.  For those sticking it out day after day, praying the mountain will be cast into the sea.  For those who have returned home to once again sit and wait.  The empty beds that clutch the heart.  The pause excruciating.

If I grieve so, as only a spectator, I can not fathom the reality of it for those in the trench.  I will continue to pray.  I will be the body.  That does not seem nearly enough, but I wanted to say it anyway. 

"If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it."

Even as all this was bearing upon my heart, an unseen battle was raging in my own camp.  I found myself in my own trench, battling through prayer for those I love the most.  Failing in flesh, but clinging to hope. 

Through these emotional rages & desperate pleas, several thoughts settled in my soul.  The plain stark truth of Ephesians 6:12.
   12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

How easily I forget the invisible realm.  Yet, the word that started to stitch the heart was this:

^31-32 “Simon, stay on your toes. Satan has tried his best to separate all of you from me, like chaff from wheat. Simon, I’ve prayed for you in particular that you not give in or give out. When you have come through the time of testing, turn to your companions and give them a fresh start.” (The Message)

I like the way the above version reads.  I am praying for you that you not give in or give out.  Jesus is trying to prepare Peter for the spiritual war ahead.  Even with the warning Peter has no clue to the twist that is about to unfold, the crucifixion.  Jesus knows the doubts this will cause.  How it will weaken Peter's faith to a point where he denies the very man he has given his life for.  Jesus knew all this.  How the twist would rock Peter's world.  Jesus knew that no amount of warning would prepare Peter for it.  He would have to simply cling to what He had been taught as the sifting took place.  After that, he would have take what was left, allow God to strengthen him through his weakness, and then go fight like never before.  

So many times I am overwhelmed by this world and the suffering in it.  I get bogged down.  I feel helpless.  It is easy to doubt that you could even make a dent against it.  If it is all for nothing?  Did Peter perhaps feel the same as he watched the events spiral out of control, not knowing the outcome? I think he might have.  Therefore the above words give me hope.  Do not give in.  Keep fighting!  You have the unfair advantage.  Jesus himself is praying for me, for you.  Does that not give you comfort?  The plan may take a drastic twist, and you may be shaken, but the redemption continues.  The gift, He uses our very weakness and strengthens us for His glory.  

Do not doubt or give out.  The battle rages on.  Jesus still needs prayer warriors and passion filled people who will continue to be His voice despite the cost.  He still needs those that are willing to risk all that they know to put His love into action.  He is waiting for vessels to empty of self and fear so that they can be launched to build the kingdom.

Stay on your toes, my friends.  Don't you dare start to think it doesn't matter.  It does.  He has called you and He has called me to keep being His voice.  I know some of you are feeling the cost as never before, but our Jesus knows.  He is praying you through it right now.  I believe it is with the same intensity he did in the garden the night before his death.   He knows what is at stake.  

I pray that the scriptures may begin to stitch your hearts as they have mine.  I pray that through your sifting you will remain faithful.  I pray that we will not grow weary of doing good.  For we are promised that in due season, we will reap, if we do not give up.

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The wait that binds

Lately my heart and prayers have been consumed for those navigating through the wait.  

Some are waist deep in the wait and sinking.  I cry for them, wishing I could find the right words that would pull them up and encourage them to hold on.  There are others who are in the early stages and the word dreadfully looms before them.  The unknown can easily become a crippling fear.  They question if this is still the right road to travel?  Or if they should travel it at all?  

I have read and watched some that are stranded in a foreign country at the mercy of the wait.  Others fight endlessly against the illness that won't leave their body.  They have been whittled down to bare faith.  For those in the foreign land I am moved by the strength of their love for their children.  For those fighting for health, I admire their strength to not give up on their miracle as they wait for healing.  So many times I see this group transparently crumble as the wait wrecks havoc on their every emotion.  I cheer them on as they labor to pick up all the pieces and labor to trust through one more day.  I am riveted and moved by this.  Before my eyes, I read the testimony of His strength relinquishing their weakness, pulling them through the uncharted waters.   

I reel for those so close, travel plans halted as the wait inches in to steal the joy of anticipation and expectation.   I see them fill with a longing that overtakes their every waking moment.  They are warriors of the wait.  Some days they feel they have been crushed in battle and they flee.  The only place they can even breathe, even be is in the arms of the Savior.  The everyday effort of having their heart a continent away is wearing them thin.  The ache jars the most trusting soul, because it hurts physical.  The wait may inflict wounds upon them, but they will not give up.  I admire their bravery as they relentlessly take the front lines of battle time and time again.

To each of you, I hope to offer a tid bit of encouragement.  I also want you to know I am praying for so many of you.

In the Bible the word most often translated “wait” in the sense of waiting on the Lord is the Hebrew qavah. Qavah means (1) “to bind together like a twisted rope” (2) “look patiently,” and (3) “hope, expect, look eagerly.

In studying a bit about this Hebrew word Qavah I was moved by the literal translation of this word: "to bind together like a twisted rope"  I just couldn't get it out of my head.  I decided to dig a little deeper.

I began to wonder how does this apply to a verses like Psalms 27:14

Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Stick with me for just a little bit as I take a quick detour into rope-making.

illustration & description below from: The Project Gutenberg eBook

So here is a quick run down of how this rope is made:

Three or more strands form a rope (D, Fig. 1), and three ropes form a cable (E, Fig. 1). To form a strand the yarns are twisted together in the opposite direction from that in which the original fibres were twisted; to form a rope the strands are twisted in the opposite direction from the yarns of the strands.... In this way the natural tendency for each yarn, strand, or rope to untwist serves to bind or hold the whole firmly together (Fig. 1).

You see the opposite direction and natural tendency to untwist is actually the strength that serves to hold the whole together.  The natural tendency to untwist serves to bind.  

The very untwisting that is happening in your journey right now, wherever you are in the wait, is serving to bind.  You may not see it, because you are so close to it.  It serves a purpose.  The wait may be trying to convince you that God is taking you in the opposite direction of where He originally told you to go/wants you to be but in the end He will still be holding it firmly together.  The twisting of the yarn in the opposite direction eventually leads to the strength of the rope itself.

 I believe this happens as we trust Him in our natural tendency to untwist.  
 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

When we get to the end of our rope, excuse the pun, He will be there.  Sometimes it is only at these points when we realize we have not walked one step of this journey by ourselves. When it is out of our control and we realize our weakness it brings us humbly before Him.  We have no other choice but to believe, trust, hope that He is going before us, fighting for us.  Our hearts are then strengthened as we bind ourselves to Him.  We are able to be of good courage as we realize our very untwisting has revealed who indeed is holding the whole firmly together.

I also believe that the adoption community is one of the strands of yarn that God weaves in to encourage us along the way.  If you are in any of these places, please comment below your prayer requests.  You can also e-mail me or private message me on facebook.  You are not alone and you do not have to face this on your own.   I would consider it a privilege to lift you up in prayer until you can find the strength in this untwisting of the soul. 

Meeting Jen Hatmaker

So I just returned from Woman of Faith and people keep asking... "So how was the conference?"  I grin and smugly say... "I met Jen Hatmaker!" and some nod knowingly at my evident excitement and others say "Who?" and to those I say "Do you even know me?"  Beside the above epic picture, this one was also taken.

 

To which I say that Christine Caine was talking about me when she explained her reasoning why she avoided women's conferences for years and stayed in youth ministry.  That and "Don't wait, Urinate."

Ok, ok so back to the story.  So I was standing in line and running over the five million things I'd like to say to Jen.  Really, so many avenues to cover in my short 1 minute, meet and greet?  Which one should I go with?

My admiration as an avid reader and wanna be writer?  She weaves the story so well, keeping you laughing then leaving you pondering.
Laughing: Worst end of the year school mom ever
                  Not a fan
Pondering: The Christmas Conundrum

The adoptive parent side, where I give her a fist bump for keeping it real in all those blog posts?  Her words have encouraged me many times.  And then casually slip in..."So you think you could possibly perhaps guest post on my blog sometime, because that would be epic!?"
 Encouraged:
Fighters
 Keeping it real:
How to be the village 
After the Airport
The truth about adoption: One Year Later
The truth about adoption: Two Years Later  For us, this introduced a season of fear. Will they resent us? Will they blame us one day? Will they twist away from us with unresolved grief? Will they be healthy? Did we do the right thing? We’ve compounded their losses and it feels muddier now than it did on Day One. We are not getting this right, and it matters so much that we get this right. 
          Yeah, I just wrote about this... the fear... "You aint no leading lady"

Or should I convey a few things from the church leadership side of things?.... where I say I think your thoughts on the church are spot on and I am living much of your story a few chapters behind.  "Interrupted" was practically a biography of my life these last two years.  I get this... I get that God is doing a new thing.  Just ask my friend Christie how uncanny it is.  I'm telling you it is a God movement. 

Or should I go with the  "I love Africa" and orphans convo?.... where I thank her for the 7: experiment which was the perfect detox program when I returned to America.  Then I tell her I briefly hated her during the month I gave up coffee.  She did sign my 7: book so that is cool.  It will go into my adoption time capsule. 

The last one and the comment I should of went with.... "So anytime during this weekend, did God tell you to give your cute boots to a new friend?  Because sometimes I know God has you give up your boots" Ha ha...

Did I say any of those?  Well, in my defense I was totally thrown off when she asked me how to spell my name.  I did not rehearse that.

So I wasted my few meet and greet moments with rambling that went something like this:
    "I'm a fellow ap, adopted from the Congo, your cool, I'm the stalker in your in-box who e-mails you way too often just to get the thoughts out of my head"

Exit line thoughts: stupid oopid introverted idiot, for once could you please get the words from your head out your mouth?!  But before I could hang my head I spot Mr. Brandon Hatmaker, just hanging out in the hallway.  I read his book as well: "Barefoot Church" and so not wanting to miss an opportunity I walked over and asked why he wasn't selling his book at the conference?  We talked church/adoption for a bit.  My cool factor doubled. 

So yeah, the Hatmakers and I are legit friends now.  Just saying.

I texted my husband who endured the months of my 7 experiement and he laughingly wrote back:  "Did they invite you to be on their reality TV show?"

No.  No they didn't.  But maybe someday they will call and invite us over for coffee and we can talk about church planting. 

Friday Feature: I will go! 5 ways to Be the Body

I want to introduce you to the Darling family.  Tiffany used to be a Fuller, like me.  She is an original and I am just a married in one.  :-)  Just so you know we are not related.... not by earthly terms anyway.  However, we are sisters in a different realm. 

I "met" Tiffany in an era where we were just entering the blog world, being moms, loving our children, and sharing recipes.  In fact, I won my first ever blog giveaway, a storybook Bible, from her corner in the blogosphere.  I don't think I have won a giveaway since.  Adoption, Africa, complete undoing had not yet blipped on our radar.  Little did we know, years later we both would travel to Africa and bring home sons.  Little did she know that her blog, testimony and story would be a catalyst in my own adoption journey.

I followed her story to Ethiopia and back as they adopted their first son.  I watched and read as they fell in love with a street boy named Habi. I joined with them in prayer as they fought to bring him home legally because he was already a son in their hearts.  This most recent chapter has me reeling.  It is one of complete and utter surrender.  I watch it unfold before me with a sacred beauty that can only be God divined.  And well, I love divine moments if you haven't noticed.

The Darling family is willing to surrender all, give up everything and follow God's call to the mission field of Ethiopia.  Please watch this video as they recap and share their story.  This is the Gospels of today people!  Be part of it.




Will you please join me in this rally call for the Darling family in one of these ways?  For after all, are we not the body?

²⁷ Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

One: Will you pray about supporting them with a financial gift so they may go and minister to the least of these? 

Two: Will you sign up to be a prayer warrior as they continue on this amazing journey that God is scripting through their willingness to be empty vessels?

Three:  Would you consider sharing this video with your village?  I know many of you share my passion to promote, uphold, show love in action as we rally together for causes of our hearts.  A simple share on your blog or social media raises awareness to how the body of Christ is moving and how they can be a part.

Four: Will you go like their awesome facebook page and join the journey at Mercy Branch Inc?

Five: Would you consider purchasing an amazing photo gift through Then & Now Doubletakes?  A great gift for an adoptive family this Christmas.  A then and now photo is ONE picture that displays two separate images.  An idea for a gift would be a referral picture of the adoptee and then the second picture one of that precious child smack dab in the middle of that family picture.  Or you could do your wedding day or a senior picture from baby to graduation, the possibilities are endless.   A portion of the sales will go toward supporting the Darling family in their ministry in Ethiopia.

Example for photo gift idea:

A Then and Now Doubletake is one photo with two separate images. Depending on the angle you are viewing the photo determines the image you see. - See more at: http://thenandnowdoubletakes.com/#sthash.CFJX2p72.dpuf

                                                      Check it out here ------> Shop with a cause

Hint... Hint... The giveaway happening at 150 facebook fans just might be a gift certificate for #5 option above.  

A Then and Now Doubletake is one photo with two separate images. Depending on the angle you are viewing the photo determines the image you see. - See more at: http://thenandnowdoubletakes.com/#sthash.CFJX2p72.dpuf

You ain't no leading lady

This is the post that I don't know how to write.  I know it is a post I need to write.

I can hardly find the words to share because to tell you the truth I find it nearly impossible to write words about an experience that I am still in process with.   I've attempted to give you a few glimpses into the struggles---> 9 months, 12 months of adoption, 16 months in, but up to this point I did not have the capacity to do more then scratch the real issue that has plagued my heart ever since I returned home from Africa with my precious boy.

To tell you the truth, even with all that I read (and that has been a ton) nothing can prepare you for the moment when your worst fears seem to be lodged on a torturous repeat cycle.

I'm not writing out this part of the story because I have regrets. I firmly resonate that adopting was/is one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever experienced/am experiencing earth side.  The mystery of the echoes of beauty in all the broken is a story I refuse to put down.  However, not only was I unprepared for the tragic twist of the plot I was seriously confused as to the character I would play in this story.  Let me explain.

Truthfully, I thought I'd be the heroine in the story.  Maybe not at first, but eventually.  The mom who would unconditionally love my son into healing.  I was equipped for this role.  I spent over a year preparing for the in-country audition.  There was all my knowledge I'd gleaned from numerous adoptive parenting books.  This includes but is not limited to techniques on attachment & bonding, how to organize adoption paperwork, educating myself on the issues of SPD, RAD, grief, identity, what to expect, what not to expect, what to tell your friends and family to expect etc... and of course an in-depth study of the culture of the DRC.  I think you get the picture.

To ensure that I would live up to this leading role I made sure I had access to the tools that an adoptive mom would need.  I had surrendered personal expectations, so I thought.  I had a good group of supportive and praying friends and family.  I surrounded myself with people who "got it" in real life and online.  I rehearsed scriptures and prayed my guts out.  I was committed to do anything and everything to give my son what he needed.  I was prepared to lose friendships, be misunderstood, not leave the house, and put my 110% into this child.

And I did.  I barely made it through two months of grieving that left me raw, but I made it.  I kept pushing when the going got tough.  I thought if I could just get a year under my belt, I might be able to relax a bit.  I would love him until he liked me.

It didn't matter what I did, what technique I used, he was not following the script.  I was definitely not his heroine.  If anyone was, it was his daddy.  The daddy that he would wait anxiously for at the window, and when he came home, he would wrap into a bear hug.  I loved seeing them bond over wrestling, rough housing, playing outside.  I rejoiced in it at first.  Until I realized that my leading role was "Mean Mama".  Resentment began to build.  It wasn't that Daddy never disciplined, because he did.  However with dad, it was never personal.  With mom, it was.

Some where in those days of insecurity the fear pushed hard and whispered, "You failed!"  Not once, but over and over again.  "I thought you were a good mother.  I thought you were called to this role?!"

The fear held in the hurt.  Eventually, I succumbed to my minor role as "Mean Mama"  I accepted I'd be rejected over and over.  I let it become personal, because no matter what I did, he would never choose me.  I'd keep teaching, doing sensory activities, correcting him when needed but I was simply going through the motions and I was numb inside.  The show was still going on but I was behind the curtains weeping. 

If there is one thing that I have ever, some what prided myself on - it is I am a good mom.  I love my kids.  Not that I am perfect, but motherhood has brought me so much joy.   I may not be good at a lot of things, and seriously stink at a lot of things -- but a lot of my self worth was wrapped up in being a good mom to my kids.  Suddenly, I couldn't even do that right.  It was a devastating low. 

If that wasn't enough, then we started Pre-K and suddenly the glaring truth was made perfectly public to everyone.  It didn't matter the teachers were with me, for me, helping me.  All my hurt was telling me was that they were judging me and it was just too much.  I couldn't handle it.

I quit fighting for my son. I was tired and emotionally spent.  I just didn't care anymore.  I decided he had won.  He didn't want a mom, so I wasn't going to be one.  He wanted a cook and a housekeeper.  That is what he would get.  That sounds so harsh, horrible I know.  I am shamed to write it.  It was how I felt.

I am thankful that I didn't stay in that horrible place for long.  Out of desperation I crawled into the lap of my Father, and poured out all the pain, disappointment, jealousy, resentment, insecurity and fear.  I prayed and asked for forgiveness, because I had so much to learn about loving as He loves.  As I surrendered he started to write a new act in our story.  He rewrote the cast of characters.

Leading Role:

The Healer of the Heart - God

Minor Role:

Day by Day, Prayer warrior, covered in grace mama: Tessy

We're in this together, got your back dad: Craig

He explained to me that He was writing the script, and because of that, and that alone, I had nothing to fear.  It didn't matter what dramatic twist may lay ahead because He was in charge of the story and how it ended.  In that truth, I was set free.

We are still navigating through some rocky waters as we adjust to school, new teachers, new routine and new boundaries.  I am also seeing him trust me more.  It took so much pressure off the poor boy when I accepted him exactly where He was at instead of pushing Him to be where I wanted him to be.  There is still hard days, but I am learning how to share more, be more honest, and even if it sounds dumb, name it so I don't allow fear to creep back in.

So though I ain't no leading lady, I am becoming quite content in my minor role.  I'm more of a warrior then a heroine.  Warrior's get bruised up sometimes in the fight, but they keep fighting.  So if you feel you have been in battle, I encourage you my friend to keep fighting.  The wounds will heal and you are not alone.  Our children are worth fighting for!

These smiles are why....

One Last Challenge!

All five children plus a sixth one below have been sponsored!  Thank you! 

There is still some children in Goma that need sponsorship, so feel free to out give my goal and "like" Mwangaza's facebook for updates.

Absolutely stunned and blew away that we met our goal to sponsor every single one of the pygmy children for school!  Thank you.

There are a few more children who need help.  I found out that only a few of the children from the Goma area that I worked with last year had been sponsored.  Well, it is really hard for me to say I won't help when presented with these adorable faces. 

So I am going to throw out one last challenge!  To sponsor these five children for school.  School starts Sept 2nd so we only have a few days left!  My son Zalen Moise who was adopted from the Congo is five years old.  For every year of his life, let's give back to another child.  One boy even shares his name.

Thank you for helping me see this out!  Digging deep and putting love in action!  Make sure if you want to sponsor a specific child that you put that in the comments when you donate.  Thank you!

I have been sponsored!  Thank you!

Lidy

I have been sponsored!  Thank you!

Gemima

I have been sponsored!  Thank you!

Aimerance

I have been sponsored!  Thank you!

Moise

I have been sponsored!  Thank you!

Fazili