True Grit

This month we celebrated Zalen being part of our family for 2 years.  We have been on this adoption journey for about 3 years.  It is a journey with ups and downs and twists and turns.  Generally speaking, the chronicles of parenting could be described in the same way.  Yet, adoption comes with a unique undisclosed path that can be overwhelming at times.  If I could shout one message from the roof tops three years later it would be this: "The journey doesn't end after the airport!" 

I read a lot of books and blogs and did my best to prepare myself for what may lay ahead.  I tried to wrap my mind around all the "adoption talk" and go in with realistic expectations.  I drank up adoption blogs and tucked away nuggets of wisdom from those who had traveled the road before me.  I am thankful I did.  I have turned to that advice often.  I also prayed and asked that God would give me the wisdom I needed to parent this child.  The stark naked truth is this, no amount of mental preparation can protect the heart from the rawness that experience brings.  The matters of the soul and heart can not be dictated by such boundaries.  

I experienced so much in each stage of our adoption.  Each stage is part of the process and I would never undermine the lessons learned during each one.  God understands the heart and realizes our fleshly limits.  Yet, I can honestly say it has been in the last two years that I've learned the most.  Upon returning home with Zalen, I began to navigate the unknown and so many times I felt utterly alone.  For me, it is where the sifting for "True Grit" began.

Yes, that quote is from an old John Wayne movie that was recently redone called "True Grit".  I am not a big fan of westerns but my husband is, so once in awhile I get roped in (get the pun? ba ha ha) to watching them.  If you haven't watched the movie this quote comes from a young courageous girl that is looking for a man with "True Grit" to avenge her father's death.  Now exactly what this "true grit" encompasses is defined by the viewer in this story, but here is one way that is is defined:

The truth is I couldn't disagree more.  My definition of "True Grit" has nothing to do with being courageous.  It has everything to do with being empty, yielded, available, vulnerable....  To me grit happens by being persistent through the hard over and over.  It is produced by hitting rock bottom over and over again, and still getting back up to fight again.

Grit develops in loving despite the cost and I am not talking financial here.  I am talking about each individual in the family - mom, dad, brother, sister - that says we are in this for the long haul.  To the family who commits to love a child that may not know how to love back.  To the family that says no in order to say yes.  I am talking about the unwavering commitment of continued self denial.  I witnessed "true grit" as Aleigh, Avery and Ryan willingly denied themselves to make room for one more.  It wasn't always easy for them but they did it.  In the praying, the waiting, the arrival, and even now.  I have watched them stand up for their brother in ways that bring me to tears. 

Adoption does not require "unyielding courage" it requires being completed surrendered.  That is where legit grit begins.   It begins when you stop saying, "I can't because ________" and you say "I'm listening and available."  It isn't a quest that ends in completion, but a beginning to a life altering journey.  A journey that tells you more of who you are not, then who you are.

Through the past year and half I feel God has been teaching me a lot about true grit of the surrendering kind.  I have hit rock bottom more times then I can count, feeling like a complete failure.  I shared a bit of my struggles in this post: "You ain't no leading lady"  It was a hard post to write because I felt so ashamed that I ever felt that way.  That I was tired of fighting.  That I wasn't sure if I was cut out for all of this.  I didn't even have the courage to write it until I talked with a friend of mine who was feeling so much of the same thing.  We both up to the point had suffered in silence. 

In my desperation for answers I came across this book: "A Place I Didn't Belong - Hope for Adoptive Moms" by Paula Freeman.  It really helped me to navigate a lot of the emotions that I had been harboring.  I didn't even really "get" some of those emotions until I read through this book.  All I knew was that I was struggling and I thought that if I hit rock bottom one more time I was never going to get back up.  I felt so misunderstood and it was such a sensitive topic it was just hard to talk about.  I welcomed the book, because it was more of a guide that encouraged me then pages full of judgement.  The back of the book reads: "This book is a gracious invitation to emotional healing and spiritual renewal that assures us we can be OK when our kids are not!"  That was so what I needed.

All I am saying is that the process of developing "true grit" leaves it mark.  Just because we acknowledge it and feel it doesn't mean we failed.  It just means that this part of the journey has left us a bit wounded.  A bit tired.  I hope in writing this I have encouraged your heart to get back up again and keep fighting.  I hope I have given you a resource to help you through this "season".  That is why I remain passionate to keep this blog going, because the journey of faith continues and I am not sure what is around the bend.  I am sure that I don't want to go it alone.

You ain't no leading lady

This is the post that I don't know how to write.  I know it is a post I need to write.

I can hardly find the words to share because to tell you the truth I find it nearly impossible to write words about an experience that I am still in process with.   I've attempted to give you a few glimpses into the struggles---> 9 months, 12 months of adoption, 16 months in, but up to this point I did not have the capacity to do more then scratch the real issue that has plagued my heart ever since I returned home from Africa with my precious boy.

To tell you the truth, even with all that I read (and that has been a ton) nothing can prepare you for the moment when your worst fears seem to be lodged on a torturous repeat cycle.

I'm not writing out this part of the story because I have regrets. I firmly resonate that adopting was/is one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever experienced/am experiencing earth side.  The mystery of the echoes of beauty in all the broken is a story I refuse to put down.  However, not only was I unprepared for the tragic twist of the plot I was seriously confused as to the character I would play in this story.  Let me explain.

Truthfully, I thought I'd be the heroine in the story.  Maybe not at first, but eventually.  The mom who would unconditionally love my son into healing.  I was equipped for this role.  I spent over a year preparing for the in-country audition.  There was all my knowledge I'd gleaned from numerous adoptive parenting books.  This includes but is not limited to techniques on attachment & bonding, how to organize adoption paperwork, educating myself on the issues of SPD, RAD, grief, identity, what to expect, what not to expect, what to tell your friends and family to expect etc... and of course an in-depth study of the culture of the DRC.  I think you get the picture.

To ensure that I would live up to this leading role I made sure I had access to the tools that an adoptive mom would need.  I had surrendered personal expectations, so I thought.  I had a good group of supportive and praying friends and family.  I surrounded myself with people who "got it" in real life and online.  I rehearsed scriptures and prayed my guts out.  I was committed to do anything and everything to give my son what he needed.  I was prepared to lose friendships, be misunderstood, not leave the house, and put my 110% into this child.

And I did.  I barely made it through two months of grieving that left me raw, but I made it.  I kept pushing when the going got tough.  I thought if I could just get a year under my belt, I might be able to relax a bit.  I would love him until he liked me.

It didn't matter what I did, what technique I used, he was not following the script.  I was definitely not his heroine.  If anyone was, it was his daddy.  The daddy that he would wait anxiously for at the window, and when he came home, he would wrap into a bear hug.  I loved seeing them bond over wrestling, rough housing, playing outside.  I rejoiced in it at first.  Until I realized that my leading role was "Mean Mama".  Resentment began to build.  It wasn't that Daddy never disciplined, because he did.  However with dad, it was never personal.  With mom, it was.

Some where in those days of insecurity the fear pushed hard and whispered, "You failed!"  Not once, but over and over again.  "I thought you were a good mother.  I thought you were called to this role?!"

The fear held in the hurt.  Eventually, I succumbed to my minor role as "Mean Mama"  I accepted I'd be rejected over and over.  I let it become personal, because no matter what I did, he would never choose me.  I'd keep teaching, doing sensory activities, correcting him when needed but I was simply going through the motions and I was numb inside.  The show was still going on but I was behind the curtains weeping. 

If there is one thing that I have ever, some what prided myself on - it is I am a good mom.  I love my kids.  Not that I am perfect, but motherhood has brought me so much joy.   I may not be good at a lot of things, and seriously stink at a lot of things -- but a lot of my self worth was wrapped up in being a good mom to my kids.  Suddenly, I couldn't even do that right.  It was a devastating low. 

If that wasn't enough, then we started Pre-K and suddenly the glaring truth was made perfectly public to everyone.  It didn't matter the teachers were with me, for me, helping me.  All my hurt was telling me was that they were judging me and it was just too much.  I couldn't handle it.

I quit fighting for my son. I was tired and emotionally spent.  I just didn't care anymore.  I decided he had won.  He didn't want a mom, so I wasn't going to be one.  He wanted a cook and a housekeeper.  That is what he would get.  That sounds so harsh, horrible I know.  I am shamed to write it.  It was how I felt.

I am thankful that I didn't stay in that horrible place for long.  Out of desperation I crawled into the lap of my Father, and poured out all the pain, disappointment, jealousy, resentment, insecurity and fear.  I prayed and asked for forgiveness, because I had so much to learn about loving as He loves.  As I surrendered he started to write a new act in our story.  He rewrote the cast of characters.

Leading Role:

The Healer of the Heart - God

Minor Role:

Day by Day, Prayer warrior, covered in grace mama: Tessy

We're in this together, got your back dad: Craig

He explained to me that He was writing the script, and because of that, and that alone, I had nothing to fear.  It didn't matter what dramatic twist may lay ahead because He was in charge of the story and how it ended.  In that truth, I was set free.

We are still navigating through some rocky waters as we adjust to school, new teachers, new routine and new boundaries.  I am also seeing him trust me more.  It took so much pressure off the poor boy when I accepted him exactly where He was at instead of pushing Him to be where I wanted him to be.  There is still hard days, but I am learning how to share more, be more honest, and even if it sounds dumb, name it so I don't allow fear to creep back in.

So though I ain't no leading lady, I am becoming quite content in my minor role.  I'm more of a warrior then a heroine.  Warrior's get bruised up sometimes in the fight, but they keep fighting.  So if you feel you have been in battle, I encourage you my friend to keep fighting.  The wounds will heal and you are not alone.  Our children are worth fighting for!

These smiles are why....

Book review: "Orphan Justice"

Every since I returned from Africa I have been struggling to find my place after all I saw and experienced.  "Orphan Justice: How to Care for Orphans Beyond Adopting" by Johnny Carr was a great book to read.  It chronicles so many of my thoughts.

The book was not afraid to ask the hard questions.  It covered topics from adoption ethics to HIV to human trafficking to abortion.  My favorite part of this was the section called "What you can do" at the end of the chapters.  After asking the hard questions, the chapter ends with practical ideas on how to get involved.  It gives feasible ideas in many different capacities from things anyone can do to things MANY can do, to things on a bit bigger scale that a FEW could do.  This was really great, because it leaves the reader an outlet to move into action.  Often times we are moved to compassion when we need to be moved to action.  I love that this book not only addresses the issues but introduces the reader to doorways of opportunity to be involved.

This book also uses scripture as an authority and a mandate to care for the orphan.  I love this quote from the book:

"Scripture doesn't spell out a detailed strategy for oprhan care, but God does speak directly to the role of His people.  In fact, God promises judgement on those who do not take care of the weak and needy: "Cursed is anyone who denies justice to foreigners, orphans, or widows" (Duet. 27:19 NLT) 

To our God, taking care of orphans isn't just a "great idea."  It's critical.  Why?  Because every man, woman boy, and girl-- including orphaned and vulnerable children--has been created in God's image and is precious to Him.  In Scripture, God describes Himself time and again as the helper of orphans."

This book stands well with the familiar quote in adoption circles:

"Adoption in not for everyone, but caring for orphans is for everyone." 

If you are looking for feasible ways to care for orphans this book is for you.  If you are wanting to fight the injustice, this book gives you several ideas in several different areas on how to get started.  If you are curious about adoption and foster care, pick this book up and spend some time in prayer asking God where your role lies.  If your a church leader, pick this book up and let it help open your eyes to the mandate scripture outlines concerning being a voice for the voiceless.

This is not just a book just for those who have adopted or are interested in adopting.  This book is for everyone who believes in the gospel message.  This book makes it clear that all Christians are called to care for orphans.  It is so important for each of us to search our hearts and find out in what capacity God wants to use us.

Make sure you put this one on your summer reading list and I pray you emerge from its pages ready to fight the American noise.

"No matter who you are you’ve got a voice
Why don’t you use it?"

Zalen update - 16 months in

Zalen's first day of Pre-K

I feel like I am quite lacking in updating.  Being a mom of 4 has its distinct challenges.  Blogging goes through the seasons, just like the weather I am afraid. 

Lately, so many others have said it so much better then I could.  I have been sharing more blog posts then writing them, because they have spoken my heart so well.  Or spoke to my heart so well.

  

Trying to figure out the fence: "Of my Own" by Sara at Ever Bitter Thing is Sweet
Mother's Day thoughts: "Dear Moms of Adopted Children" by Kathy Lynn Harris

Just to link a few, that may speak to you as well.

For the first year of Zalen being home we have experienced a roller coaster of a ride together.  Many up's and down's.  I chronicled our first 11 months together and we celebrated his one year home.  

The journey is far from being over.  In many ways it has just begun.  Bonding, attachment, adjusting is such a process.  A continuing process.  The healing of the heart is so different for each child.  When you are parenting a child with an unknown history, you always have to be aware of the hidden minefield in their hearts.  You just never know when one of those bombs will go off.
  
In Zalen's case it was a change in routine.  We started Pre-K.  He seemed very excited about it.  We eased in slow.  We thought it would be good for him to get a few months in before summer, so he would have a better idea of the school routine for Kindergarten next fall.  The first day went well.  I heaved a sigh of relief.

The next day, I walked in and took in the fragments of a little boy who had been crippled by the explosion of boundaries drawn.  New teachers, new authority, and the fear had taken hostage the excitement of going to school.  I barely held it together as I took in his crushed/scared demeanor.  My mama's heart crushed under a heavy weight of sorrow.  I was assailed by the memories of the valley, two months of grieving alongside him, scars still fresh.

I signed up for this.  I knew it would be hard.  I did my homework on adoption.  I counted the cost.  I was not naive.  I knew knowledge, though important, would not remove the cost.  Yet, up to this moment, I was the only one He had fought so intensely with those walls.  His teachers didn't sign on for this.  Suddenly, three mere strangers had entered the battle with me.  I felt exposed and vulnerable.  Even with their love, encouraging words, I wanted to run away.  The fears of being judged, misunderstood, and labeled shook me deep.  I wanted to grab Zalen and run from it all, away from the hard.

Someone must of been praying for me.  I stayed and grueled through the process of "handling" such a scenario.  I didn't break until I got in the van.  We both cried all the way home.

I prayed earnestly for the healing of His heart. I yelled at the unfairness of it all.  Does the suffering ever stop?  I sat and struggled with the weight of it all and prayed God would take the burden.

I confessed to God that I would never be enough for this beloved child of mine.  Only He can be. Knowing this, my heart still hurt. What unseen demons were plaguing his heart that day?  Robbing from him that precious toothy grin and infectious laugh.  I know His loving personality that is eager to help and naturally loves.  What triggered this?  What memories stole his peace?

So, how do I help him?  How do I parent the wounded?
Here is my daily script:

I breathe and live GRACE and MERCY and love poured through.  It is all I can do. 
I will pray for him and with him, pleading he will accept the same.  I will fight for him to know that He was chosen and wanted.  I will reaffirm it a million times over, just as God does to me.  When he is raw and exposed, I will join him and we will cry together.
I will cling to the promise: "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:3.....For, one promise leads to another...One I live daily -- His new mercies everyday.  My Jesus goes before me to fight the demons I can't see nor fathom.  I rest in that.  I am not alone...despite what I feel and neither is Zalen.

While that day was a day where I was crying from the hard places I could still smile deep at the end of it as I looked back and saw the many more days of JOY experienced then days of grieving.  Days where love abounded so greatly, it stole my breath if I dared to drink it in.

I will end the post with some of those moments.  If you are parenting in the hard places... keep going my dear friend.  You are not alone.  There is a silver lining in those clouds.  More is going on behind the scenes then you will ever know.  Accept the grace and mercy.  Accept those willing to wade through the battlefield with you.   And don't give up!  For JOY is waiting...  Healing is happening...

Feb. - 13 months home - Crawling through the snow tunnel on the back deck we dug out.

 

Mar. - 14 months home - Roller skating for the 2nd time

April 15 months home - You catch a glimpse into God's redemptive story

May - almost 16 months home - Catching fish on Mother's Day

Was so excited to give me these flowers for Mother's Day

So many, many more days of JOY!  I am counting them and watching him grow.  I understand we are still in a process but just in the last few weeks I have watched something beautiful happen.  The other night he came over and asked if he could snuggle with me.  I was over the moon happy.  He actually loves hugs and kisses and our good night routines, but this was a huge step forward.  He has never liked to snuggle in like the other kids.  He might as well of said "It might be ok if you be my mom." I just really needed that confirmation that I am doing something right.  

A lot of that first year was tearing down walls.  I feel he is finally at the stage where he trusts me enough to begin building something new together.  Our attachment is finally getting to a natural place that I have longed for.  He has attached to others much more quickly then he has to me and that has been hard.  I felt like I was doing something wrong.  I felt like I wasn't enough.  Now, I know I just had to pass the test, again and again so those walls would crumble.  I may have more to pass in the future, but I am in this for the long haul.

I am so blessed to be his mom!  I really am.  16 months in, and so worth it to see the sparkle in those beautiful brown eyes. 

Focus on the Family Broadcast

This was a very informative broadcast from Focus on the Family about the challenges of adoption/foster care. This is a great video to watch for not only the family that is adopting/has adopted but for the family and church family that is supporting someone that is. It helps to understand what they can do to help.



Would love to hear your thoughts on all of this. Different things I pulled out were:

• Be willing to make a fool out of yourself and get right to their level. Don't fix it, listen and identify. Repeat, repeat, repeat

• Touch is important to the bonding process (I love orange scented cleansers)

• Limit interaction and the importance of cocooning

• Embrace the fears - Information and Knowledge will help you with your fears and then press through in spite of your fears.

• The Christian life is about risk - "It is not about me" This is what the child needs

• Do not react to their reaction - Baby Steps - Swimming is good - Don't force it, give the child what he/she needs - Go slow and build on their responses