Zalen update - 16 months in

Zalen's first day of Pre-K

I feel like I am quite lacking in updating.  Being a mom of 4 has its distinct challenges.  Blogging goes through the seasons, just like the weather I am afraid. 

Lately, so many others have said it so much better then I could.  I have been sharing more blog posts then writing them, because they have spoken my heart so well.  Or spoke to my heart so well.

  

Trying to figure out the fence: "Of my Own" by Sara at Ever Bitter Thing is Sweet
Mother's Day thoughts: "Dear Moms of Adopted Children" by Kathy Lynn Harris

Just to link a few, that may speak to you as well.

For the first year of Zalen being home we have experienced a roller coaster of a ride together.  Many up's and down's.  I chronicled our first 11 months together and we celebrated his one year home.  

The journey is far from being over.  In many ways it has just begun.  Bonding, attachment, adjusting is such a process.  A continuing process.  The healing of the heart is so different for each child.  When you are parenting a child with an unknown history, you always have to be aware of the hidden minefield in their hearts.  You just never know when one of those bombs will go off.
  
In Zalen's case it was a change in routine.  We started Pre-K.  He seemed very excited about it.  We eased in slow.  We thought it would be good for him to get a few months in before summer, so he would have a better idea of the school routine for Kindergarten next fall.  The first day went well.  I heaved a sigh of relief.

The next day, I walked in and took in the fragments of a little boy who had been crippled by the explosion of boundaries drawn.  New teachers, new authority, and the fear had taken hostage the excitement of going to school.  I barely held it together as I took in his crushed/scared demeanor.  My mama's heart crushed under a heavy weight of sorrow.  I was assailed by the memories of the valley, two months of grieving alongside him, scars still fresh.

I signed up for this.  I knew it would be hard.  I did my homework on adoption.  I counted the cost.  I was not naive.  I knew knowledge, though important, would not remove the cost.  Yet, up to this moment, I was the only one He had fought so intensely with those walls.  His teachers didn't sign on for this.  Suddenly, three mere strangers had entered the battle with me.  I felt exposed and vulnerable.  Even with their love, encouraging words, I wanted to run away.  The fears of being judged, misunderstood, and labeled shook me deep.  I wanted to grab Zalen and run from it all, away from the hard.

Someone must of been praying for me.  I stayed and grueled through the process of "handling" such a scenario.  I didn't break until I got in the van.  We both cried all the way home.

I prayed earnestly for the healing of His heart. I yelled at the unfairness of it all.  Does the suffering ever stop?  I sat and struggled with the weight of it all and prayed God would take the burden.

I confessed to God that I would never be enough for this beloved child of mine.  Only He can be. Knowing this, my heart still hurt. What unseen demons were plaguing his heart that day?  Robbing from him that precious toothy grin and infectious laugh.  I know His loving personality that is eager to help and naturally loves.  What triggered this?  What memories stole his peace?

So, how do I help him?  How do I parent the wounded?
Here is my daily script:

I breathe and live GRACE and MERCY and love poured through.  It is all I can do. 
I will pray for him and with him, pleading he will accept the same.  I will fight for him to know that He was chosen and wanted.  I will reaffirm it a million times over, just as God does to me.  When he is raw and exposed, I will join him and we will cry together.
I will cling to the promise: "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:3.....For, one promise leads to another...One I live daily -- His new mercies everyday.  My Jesus goes before me to fight the demons I can't see nor fathom.  I rest in that.  I am not alone...despite what I feel and neither is Zalen.

While that day was a day where I was crying from the hard places I could still smile deep at the end of it as I looked back and saw the many more days of JOY experienced then days of grieving.  Days where love abounded so greatly, it stole my breath if I dared to drink it in.

I will end the post with some of those moments.  If you are parenting in the hard places... keep going my dear friend.  You are not alone.  There is a silver lining in those clouds.  More is going on behind the scenes then you will ever know.  Accept the grace and mercy.  Accept those willing to wade through the battlefield with you.   And don't give up!  For JOY is waiting...  Healing is happening...

Feb. - 13 months home - Crawling through the snow tunnel on the back deck we dug out.

 

Mar. - 14 months home - Roller skating for the 2nd time

April 15 months home - You catch a glimpse into God's redemptive story

May - almost 16 months home - Catching fish on Mother's Day

Was so excited to give me these flowers for Mother's Day

So many, many more days of JOY!  I am counting them and watching him grow.  I understand we are still in a process but just in the last few weeks I have watched something beautiful happen.  The other night he came over and asked if he could snuggle with me.  I was over the moon happy.  He actually loves hugs and kisses and our good night routines, but this was a huge step forward.  He has never liked to snuggle in like the other kids.  He might as well of said "It might be ok if you be my mom." I just really needed that confirmation that I am doing something right.  

A lot of that first year was tearing down walls.  I feel he is finally at the stage where he trusts me enough to begin building something new together.  Our attachment is finally getting to a natural place that I have longed for.  He has attached to others much more quickly then he has to me and that has been hard.  I felt like I was doing something wrong.  I felt like I wasn't enough.  Now, I know I just had to pass the test, again and again so those walls would crumble.  I may have more to pass in the future, but I am in this for the long haul.

I am so blessed to be his mom!  I really am.  16 months in, and so worth it to see the sparkle in those beautiful brown eyes. 

Pre-K with Zalen - What I am learning...

First of all I want to thank all of you for your amazing support on helping sponsor the children from Mwangaza International.  All the children were sponsored for school.  My goal was to raise $400 and through my fundraising link $530 was raised which not only sponsored all the children pictured on my blog post and the rest of the girls that were not pictured!  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!

The blog has been a bit silent because our household is coming off of a three week off and on sick streak as we have been passing around a terrible bug.  In between the sickness has been several birthdays.

I guess what is on my mind adoption wise is "learning".  What to expect and what not to expect.  What works.. What doesn't.  Zalen's English continues to improve but he is still having difficultly with remembering the basic flash card objects.  Another challenge is his attention span.

We have worked on colors forever it seems and he can not remember the names of the colors.  He can sort and match the colors but when you ask, "Zalen what color is this?" He hardly ever gets it right.  He seems overloaded by the amount of information I am presenting.

I am surprised how quickly he has picked up using the mouse and track pad on the computer.  He loves playing the games on starfall.com which we are using for the alphabet.  Right now I am spending two weeks on the same letter so we are only on the letter B.

Websites I am using are DreamEnglish (He loves the videos) and Starfall.  I am also using a few other sites for lap books that we are creating so he can review what we already learned.  I have rented an ESL video from the library several times that he also enjoys.

I think it is very important to understand what kind of techniques work the best with your child.  Avery was home today and she observed our lesson time.  "Mom, you really do things with Zalen a lot different then when you taught us in preschool."  I took that as a compliment.  I explained to her that he was learning a new language and we had to do things a bit different.

This link at ESL-Kids was very eye-opening -- "In Class - Meet the Children"  It described many different types of learning.  Flashcards are very difficult for Zalen.  He spends most of our flash card time saying --- Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm!  He is not a visual learner.  I am working to adapt my lessons so they are not so focused on flash cards.

I have learned in the last month or so that Zalen learns the best through music and song.  His strength is auditory.  He sings all the time! He may not always get the words to the song done but the rhythm to the song is always right on.   Makes sense due to his culture.  The Congolese have beautiful music.  Zalen has a way of dancing with his shoulders that just crack me up.   A very common issue for Zalen is adding extra syllables/sounds into words that don't belong. We use his strength of auditory to give difficult words a beat -- clapping out the syllables to a beat as we chant the word.  It has really helped him focus on pronouncing the word correctly.   

Zalen also seems to thrive on learning through touch.  He likes objects.  He can identify objects to a name much better then a flash card.  The link above describes this as tactile learning.  For Christmas we are hoping to purchase an I-pad as a family gift for everyone to share.  I believe that this will be a great learning tool for Zalen due to the tactile approach of touch.

Is there any programs or techniques that have worked for you?  Websites you love for ESL learning?  Please share!  I am really wanting more ideas on how to teach more tactile as well.