Zalen - 12 months of adoption, almost (Mom's Reflective Glimpse)

One year post-placement with case worker has been scheduled.  One year GOTCHA DAY celebration is quickly approaching.  I seriously can't believe it.  Our trip to Congo seems so far away, yet so close to my heart.

Being the end of the year I just feel especially reflective...  Of all that 2012 has held for our family.  How adoption has changed and blessed our lives.. the awesome times and the hard ones.  12 months of Christmas - what about the 12 months (almost) of being an adoptive mom?

Month 1: Exhaustion/Excitement - Jet lag sucks but watching Zalen meet family/friends were pure JOY kinda of moments. The first month was full of rejoicing as everyone met Zalen.  It was full of tender moments as God knit us together, teaching each of us a new way to love.  Bringing a 3 year old home is very different then bringing your baby home.  I rejoiced at how Zalen just fit within the family.  Yes, there were adjustments but I was amazed at how well we meshed and stood once again amazed at how God works in all the details.  There were also amazing moments where friends and family got to meet him.  Some expecting a shy, withdrawn child were stunned when Zalen beamed his contagious smile, wrapped them up in a hug and received them with a warm accented "Hallo!"

 

 

 

Month 2: Mama has Emotional Breakdown - Zalen was doing great and I was a big mess.  I wrote on my blog: I'm not sure who I am anymore.  What I once wanted out of life seems meaningless.  So many layers gone, I feel exposed and vulnerable.  But more importantly I feel ready to grow.  I am ready for God to teach me.  The experiences of my time in the DRC started to filter into my dreams, children's faces; the pleading eyes of Philemon asking us to be a voice, to not forget; the man at the restaurant who asked us to take his brother's son home..... I ached for Africa.

 

Zalen gets over his fear of animals after petting a baby lamb.  He moved up to being ok with Shay and then a horse.

Learned he really liked Play-Doh :-)  Specially edible peanut butter kind.

Month 3: Confusion/Grieving: I threw myself into my 7 challenge which I had already pledged to do before I even left.  It may sound crazy, but the 7 challenge against excess was an act of confession and cleansing that my soul deeply needed.  With each phase I asked God to forgive me for my excess and begged Him to help me understand why He ripped out a place in my heart and then sent me back home.  I tried to excuse the emotions and find some sort of "normal" again.  I am shamed to say that when that "normal" did not happen... I got angry.  I got sad.  I was just all over the map.  I longed for people to understand where I was, how I felt. I didn't get why they didn't understand the urgency I felt in my heart that WE HAVE TO CHANGE - WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP.  I started to really get angry at the complacency of people, the church, and if I am frankly honest walked a fine line of being self-righteous.  Don't worry Jesus is always quick to knock me off my high horse.  He swiftly reminded me that I was the same way before my own adoption journey, before He opened my eyes.  Once knocked off, I was just sad.  I was more then sad.  I was grieving.  Grieving that people around me thought the story was over because Zalen was home.  The story isn't over, I wanted to shout, Do you know how many I left behind?

St. Patrick's Day

Month 4: Finding my place after the airport - I had read up and prepared for Zalen's grieving, but not my own.  So month 4 was all about finding my place after the airport.

Easter Sunday

 What do you do when your heart is a continent away?

• You stare at your son you only brought home a few months ago and savor the miracle... wanting more of that.. desperate dependency upon God that you had during the adoption process
• You wonder how you can do with less, so others can have more
• You really question how you will be celebrating Easter this year....
• You fight with God over your complacency for what He wants you to do here, right now
• But most importantly, you keep the promise, to be a voice, and to tell America that they need help
• You keep reading this quote over and over:  "People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another.  And I've noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters.  They get excited over one smile.  They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound.  They aren't determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they're satisfied with small changes.  Over time, though, the small changes add up.  Sometimes they even transform cities and nation, and yes, the world." Katie Davis, author of Kisses from Katie
• You begin raising $$ for mosquito nets and Kaka School

Month 5: A bit of new normal settles in  Start being me again -- emotions start to even out.  I begin to find my place.  I realize I can continue to be a voice and make small changes.  I even start to mellow out a bit and have some fun... going to some concerts with friends.

Zalen continues to GROW, GROW, GROW and we celebrate his 4th b-day.

Month 6: Remembering & Rest  I hit month 6 and realized I needed rest.  June just happened to be my 7: experiment to fast from media.  Perfect timing.  I also continued to raise $$ for the Kaka School and organized the yard sale which went amazingly well.  I kicked back a lot and we went on vacation.  We also met up with adoptive families who we were in-country with.  It was so good to share and remember and meet the rest of the children as well.  We also had met up with some CBC friends right before this.  It was exactly what I needed.. family time and time spent with friends who understood very well the last 6 months of adjusting.

Meeting up with good friends :-)

Month 7 & 8: Summer flys by  I would need my down time as I went into July/August.  It was a busy summer and I did pictures for two weddings and my nephew's senior pictures.  I read a lot of books and kept on pace with my Bible reading.  Summer winds down and we start a new routine.  Zalen and I begin school together and life is busy but good.

Zalen with his siblings and cousins

Month 9: Routine disrupted by grieving  Month 9 was a hard month.  Zalen started to really act out with me at home.  He also started having issues listening at church in his Sunday School class and in Children's Church.  He would have good days but then he would have really rough days.  School started to be an issue b/c he was not cooperating during our lesson time.  It all started when I went away to Woman's Retreat for a weekend.  I came back and it was like he was really, really mad at me.  I had been gone before this for youth group trips so not sure why this particular trip was a trigger but it was. 

Month 10: Self Doubt  When you hit the hard stuff and you are not sure what is going on... you may be tempted to have pity party and eat your "I am a terrible mom" cake.  Don't do it.  Between trying to figure out what was going on with Zalen and being down and out with some horrible sickness (kids then me)... I got to the point where I just didn't think I could do it anymore. (I'm a bit of a drama queen)  However, please do talk with your husband and admit honestly about how you feel like you are a failure.. he will give you much needed perspective.  If you don't have a husband, talk to a friend.  Don't face it alone.  You will realize just because the last few months haven't been as picture perfect as those first ones that you are still making a difference.  When your feelings don't match up with what you know your heart really feels give it some time.  Realize you can't always keep it together, and that is ok.  You can ask for help and you must realize somethings are not in your control.

That brings us here... 11 months home! My sweet, happy, Zalen has returned.  He is full of life and today during church drew a really good letter E.  This was HUGE to me b/c our lesson time for the last month has been excruciating.  His missing two front teeth are starting to grow in (going to miss that gappy smile) and I am enjoying our first Christmas together.  His newest favorite word is "Cool!"  Everything is cool.  Pulling out all the Christmas decor - "Cool!"  Lately he has been returning my affection again.  It was killing me to be rejected.  I have relaxed a lot... trusting God with the places of his heart that I realize I may never understand.  It felt so good to turn that over to who it belonged.

I am looking forward to what this next year has in store.  His language getting better everyday and thinking of just having a real conversation with him is awesome.  Tonight when I tucked him into bed he told me that it was his stuffed monkey's birthday.  (We've been talking about our birthday party to Jesus we will do for Christmas Eve)  He then started giggling and said Monkey and Jesus's birthday.  Silly boy.  :-)

Wise Man/Sheep in the Christmas Play (You just had to have been there)

Putting on the first ornament on the Christmas tree