Attempting to understand my Addiction...

Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean;
remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes;
cease to do evil,learn to do good;
seek justice,
correct oppression;
bring justice to the fatherless,
plead the widow's cause. 

I was struck deeply by the above verses in my Bible reading today.  When I feel lost in this world, which I have been feeling A LOT lately, I find myself drenching myself in scripture trying to find direction.  Trying to find Him, among all this.  

Just a bit of background to the time that Isaiah was writing this:

 "Isaiah ministered at a time when both Israel, under Jeroboam II, and Judah, under Hezekiah, had reached their zenith of prosperity and political power. Yet the seeds of destruction had germinated and almost reached maturity in both nations in the form of idolatry and its attendant vices, personal immorality and political corruption."

I found myself asking after reading the above statement, "Are you sure your talking about Israel and not the United States?"  I won't dwell there but it seems the "mess" has been front and center due to it being an election year and my heart hurts in a lot of areas where our nation is headed. 

My point is that in the very first chapter -- God is telling the people how to get back on track, how to find Him among this mess they had created.  Right before these verses it says..

  15  When you spread out your hands,
I will hide my eyes from you;
even though you make many prayers,
I will not listen;

Stay with me, all of this has to do with my "mess" and my addiction...

What a sobering thought?  That the people had strayed so far that God could not tolerate them or their prayers.  Even more sobering and this is a modern day Tessy translation but it seems to me God says to the people...

You want me to hear you....  You want me to see you and respond to your prayers....  You want to feel my presence.  Then you need to get IT people.  I don't want your church attendance.  I don't want your tithes.  I don't want your programs and forced worship.  I know when you are just playing church.  It shows by your lack of action!  So wash up and get over your self absorbed lives.  It is time to do GOOD.  What good!?  What fruit do I long for you to bear?  What can you do to match my heart beat?  Seek Justice.  Open your eyes to the oppressed and when your eyes are opened don't ignore it - CORRECT it.  Start loving the orphans and widows as you say you love me --- and then I will find you, see you, restore you.  

 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: 

to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep 

oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

I have read that verse in James so many times but after reading in Isaiah something hit me hard.  A piece of the puzzle fell into place.  For the first time I realized the source of my addiction.

I call it an addiction because it is.  I crave loving orphans.  Something changed in my heart as I held those beautiful children.  Some travel and are shocked by the poverty and conditions, but I was expecting that.  What moved me and stripped me (and what I was not expecting) was that up to that point I had done nothing about it.  I was polluted by the world.  I was shocked by my own selfish, evil, self absorbed life.  Evil, really?  Aren't you being over dramatic?  No, I am not according to the above verses in Isaiah.  It is the exact word that fits.  Anyone else tired of candy coating sin?

9 months since my trip to Congo, and I am just now beginning to grasp the cleansing that took place. Maybe I wasn't ready for the truth of it all until now.  The washing of so much self.  It was only because of that cleansing that I experienced some of the most pure moments of my life time with my God.   As I looked into the hopeless, fevered & sunken eyes and whispered in Lingala (yó ozalí kitoko) to a child that they were beautiful, coaxing a weak smile, I felt His unpolluted love rage through my veins.  I had felt His love before many times, but not like I did when I was there seeking to be His hands, His feet.

It explains my drive and addiction to continue to help since I have arrived home.  The yard sale for the school at Kaka, raising money for mosquito nets, & the school sponsorship campaign.  I'm looking for my next fix.  In those small, small, things of just being a voice and sharing.... my love for orphans mirrors God's love for them.  The more I give, the more I fight for the oppressed the more I see how He sees.  The closer I get to Him.  Do you understand?!  

I can't stop.  I'm addicted.  I'm addicted because I was that orphan.  I was the pigeon-toed, mop of tangled curls girl who hated who she was.  I was an orphan that needed hope and love without condition.  I was starving without a Savior.  He found me... when I felt abandoned by everyone else.  He took my hand and whispered "Yó ozalí kitoko" and for the first time in my life I believed it.  At age 13, He adopted me into His family and I finally knew where I belonged in this world.  

I am confident to answer the question someone asked awhile back - "Will it ever be enough?!  Will you ever be satisfied with where you are and what you have already done."  No.  Absolutely not.  Or to put a Josh Wilson spin on it "I refuse!"  

I understand some of you want to commit me to rehab due to my addiction.  You watch in confusion as I eat chicken and rice for an entire month and my wardrobe transcends into an oblivion of various adoption shirts. :-D  You hide me from your facebook feed because you don't want to get one more of "those" posts.  To you I say, You don't know what you're missing!  

But...(and this is what is so EPIC!) there are so many more of you have joined me and are or becoming addicts yourself.  In loving orphans we have transcended barriers and found a love that can only be described as divine.  That is why we are" crazy"!  That is why we can't stop.  We have found the hidden treasure that God placed in us as He knit us together in our mother's womb.  The mystery is unraveling as we radar in on it, a mirrored love of our heavenly Father.  

If your feeling that God is far away.. That He is not listening... and your lost in this world... I dare you to try out my addiction.  LOVE.  Maybe you are that orphan feeling abandoned... that needs to believe that you are beautiful and that God has plan and purpose for you.  Say yes... believe His whisper.  Maybe you've been addicted to everything but....  it is time for you to wash yourself, make yourself clean and find the pureness that comes with leaving "you" behind.  I am still praying for you, the one that is reading my blog that needs to say "Yes" to adopt.  The one that is being called to mirror that love because you already know it, are addicted to it, and need to share it.  

Wherever you are I hope this will somehow help you understand my addiction and why I refuse to stop!

Zalen Moise... 2 months home

Zalen experienced even more firsts this month.  Though it was a bit chilly we took a walk out at my brother's farm and Craig let each of the kids shoot his gun.  Zalen loved it.  We also have made some amazing triumphs over the "fear of animals" this past month.  Craig loves hunting so he is excited that the kids are finally getting old enough to learn more about this hobby of his.

When Zalen first arrived home he was deathly scared of most animals, especially dogs.  We do not currently have a dog, but the neighbors do and oh he would scream and freak out if they even came close to him.  He finally warmed up to a meek little lamb at our friends house and gained the courage to pet it.  The little lamb opened the door to the realization that the furry animals were not that bad.  Soon, he graduated to petting a few cats.  Yet, I was still surprised when Zalen took to Shay so well, even playing fetch with her.  Shay is my brother's lab and because of our fondness for her, we refer to her as our niece.  :-)  She is much more low key then my neighbor's small yippy yappy dogs, which Zalen still does not care for, but finally doesn't scream every time they are near.

Then Zalen went on to surprise me even more when he eagerly wanted to pet the horses.  :-)  I was amazed.  I think he is well over his animal phobia.

 

Zalen finally is starting to talk a bit more in English.  His first, full English sentence, without repeating anyone one else was to Craig.  Craig was about ready to leave for work and Zalen came running over to him and said clear as day -- "I want a kiss!"  It was the cutest thing ever.  He is picking up more and more English.

We have been working on colors right now.  I read on some website, and I don't know if this is true or not, but that Lingala does not have words for each color.  They have a word for black and white, and then a word for all the rest of the colors.  We have been sorting out the mega bloks into colors and he is getting a little better with it, but we have a ways to go.  

We have also been working on communicating and table manners.  Teaching Zalen to chew with his mouth closed and not smack is an ongoing battle.  He still struggles with slowing down when he eats and not taking gi-huge-ic bites.  Improvements have been made but it has yet to develop into a habit because when he isn't thinking about it then it is back to smacking.  The biggest communication issue we are working on is not whining, mainly when he deals with the kids.  I want him to use his words instead of whining when the kids take a toy from him etc.  As in all parenting, it is vicious cycle of repetition, repetition, repetition.  

Zalen also attended his first birthday part and went rollerskating.  He was so intrigued watching the other kids skate but when he actually tried himself he got over it pretty quickly and was ready to take the skates off.  Here he is skating with the birthday girl - notice the tongue hanging out as he concentrates.  He did enjoy falling down though, he thought it was funny.

I am anxiously waiting to have real conservations with him.  I know he has a lot going on and I love watching him at play.  He hums a lot when he is playing.  Lately, he is really into playing with the girls baby dolls and with the play kitchen.  He is constantly cooking me new things to try.  He also enjoys when I let him observe in the kitchen when I prepare supper.  I find this a good time to dialogue to him in English and let him help.  It makes sense that he would love cooking, since he really loves food.  We even conquered peas the other day - Craig creamed them and he ate them right up.  

He is still doing amazingly well.  Please continue to keep him in prayer as we retest his blood concerning his high thyroid reading.  We will do that in May.

Zalen has been home 1 month!

Zalen Moise Fuller has been home for one month.  Unreal!
I was in the Congo, in Africa just a month ago.  Even more Unreal!

I am sitting here watching Zalen play blocks.  He is stacking one on top of the other making funny sounds through his tongue as he blows air in and out.  It has a certain rhythm to it as if it is helping him concentrate.  Now the super hero figurine "The Thing" enters the scene and destroys the whole structure with a blast of combat sounds.  He looks up at me, smiles and laughs looking for me to approve of his antics.  I beam him back a smile and he begins to rebuild.

Even though it has only been a month, I can't see my life without this precious boy.

He is such a sweet, sweet boy, full of hugs and kisses.  He is curious and figures out things quickly.  I found him in the living room the other day reflecting light through the window off the bottom of a peanut can.  He was laughing as he danced the reflection across the walls, ceiling, and our faces.  He loves to help and is independent.  He is used to taking care of himself and it shows.  He always put his dishes in the sink when he is done and shows me that he is full by pulling up his shirt and showing me his belly.  Each time he does this, it gets me, a tinge in the gut and I pray that I will never forget the blessing that in itself is.  A full belly. 

Our first month has went remarkably well.  I overflow, BURST with praise to God for this.  I know this isn't always the story when it comes to adjusting/attachment.  I have marveled time and time again over how he just seems to know that he belongs here.  Especially when he walked into the church like he owned the place, giving everyone high fives, hugs, and kisses. (He went to church after being home for only a week b/c he seemed to be doing so well and at that point we threw our cocooning plan out the window)  I know this is because God answered the plea, the cry of my heart that God would do a miracle in Zalen Moise's heart and prepare him for our family.  He certainly did that. 

We set high expectations from the beginning as far as behavior.  It was hard sometimes, because you want to some how make up for all he had went through.  It didn't seem "fair" on my mommy emotions to sit him in the corner and I fought the instinct to coddle him a lot.  It started in the hotel room in the DRC, where he would have a 20-30 minute melt down about once a day.  Usually over something trivial like turning off the light switch or getting into the food.  Once for biting.  The frustrations came out in biting a lot with Zalen in the beginning.  I believe drawing these lines that week set the tone for when we got home.  It was hard at times.  During one of the melt downs at the hotel a guy down the hall actually came out and asked me what was going on and if everything was ok.  Zalen was screaming at the top of his lungs at this point.  I smiled sweetly and said -- "Ohh that is just our son, he doesn't want to go to sleep.  So sorry, he will calm down in a bit."  After he returned to his room, I choked down a chunk of pride and asked God to comfort my heart and remind me that I wasn't after the approval of men.  Though I didn't ever feel directly judged, I carried this insecurity that someone would judge me on "What the heck are these white Americans think they are doing with this Congolese child!?"  So that moment brought it full force forward.  God whispered in my heart -- "My child, this is my plan for you, I will give you everything you need to fulfill it.  I am your measuring stick."  So thankful for God's whispers and I remember feeling peace knowing of all those praying us through it all. 

At home -- within a week the melt downs disappeared.  He is really stubborn so for awhile he would be in time out for awhile b/c he would pout and would not apologize.  SUPER STUBBORN.  Now a month later, he gets it.  He gets in trouble about as much as my other kids -- for doing kid type things.  I was so afraid about the whole sleeping issue - but he has slept in his own bed, through the night from day #1.  He shares a room with Ryan so I think this has helped - because he always has someone in there with him - just a top bunk away.  For the first week we would lay down with him for a little while and then go back to our beds.  The boy, once asleep, sleeps like a log, so this helped as well.  The second week, he was on his own.  He whimpered a bit for the first couple of days but then the whimpering stopped and now he is a pro.  One of my fav moments before bedtime was when I put footie pjs on him.  He thought they were so awesome.  2.5 weeks in, my heart oozed into a puddle of goo when he said the words back - Love You!

His first bath was a funny experience.  He was very unsure of it.  I put in some bubbles and toys and gave him a wash cloth.  I tried to show him he could play with the toys but he didn't get it.  He scrubbed himself efficiently, scrubbed the toys, and was ready to get out.  His second bath, after observing Ryan playing during his bath, Zalen did better and actually played for awhile with some of the bath toys.  I hear Pa Pa John's words often "It is a different planet."  Indeed it is.

So yes, all in all, Zalen is doing great.  A lot of people have asked me about food as it seems many have had issues with their adoptive child being quite picky once they are home.  The only thing this boy won't eat so far is peas.  Everything else I have cooked he inhales.

Finally a month later I really see him beginning to really bond with his siblings.  They all have loved him from the beginning, but there has been stages of growth for them.  First week: Super excited and they loved telling everyone about him, wanting to "show off" their new brother.  Second week: This is when the jealous stuff started rearing its head.  Mainly with the twins.  They were tired of Zalen getting so much attention and they weren't as fond of sharing mom and dad.  Ryan was being really mean to him during this time and it required some extra attention and talks from Craig and I.  I think out of everybody he has experienced this the most.

Avery is so funny with him, and so motherly. Her excessive hugs, kisses, and head rubbing simply drive Zalen nuts sometimes.  Aleigh has done amazing with all of it.  Many times stepping in when I need extra hands.  She is very patient with Zalen and mediates often to get them all playing/working together on a project/game.  By the end of week 2 or so, I noticed the kids excluding Zalen quite a bit when they played.  I was concerned and talked to the kids about it and they expressed their frustration mainly at the language barrier. (him just copying everything they did instead of playing with them)  I told them they needed to focus on what he can do, not on what he can't do.  I let them each come up with different activities that they could do with Zalen-- color, play ball, drive matchbox cards, play games like ring around the rosy, and building towers together with blocks.  I also emphasized their important role to help to teach him.  This has really helped that dynamic a lot.  They are playing together more regularly.  For example the other day they were playing on a merry-go-round thing outside.  Zalen wanted to play but was scared to sit up on it like the rest.  Instead of excluding him, one of them suggested he lay on it on his tummy and help push it.  SCORE!!  This week my praises have flowed watching this bonding happen.
  
He is picking up more English words everyday.  He parrots most anything you say.  We have worked on a lot of basic things - but recently done lessons, songs, flashcards on body parts.  He loves music and I use a lot of videos in teaching.  I will write a separate post on this.  He understands more then what he can speak.  I let him help me a lot in the kitchen or just hang out watching me when I am doing things.  It is so important to dialogue what I am doing as I do it.  So, many times I just pretend I am hosting my own show on the food network.  :-)  I have noticed being intentional about this has really helped him pick up a lot more English.  Instead of just zipping up his coat before we go - I make a mini lesson on what is a zipper, what it does and make him repeat - "Will you please zip up my coat?"  He is catching on.

So this is an update on Zalen and how is doing.  I will try to post soon about how I have dealt with everything personally since I have been home.

Zalen's Medical Results

I have asked many of you to pray for Zalen's medical results.  We finally got the call today and all the major infectious diseases he was tested for - it was negative.  PRAISE GOD!

He did have a few flags however -- one I was slightly expecting, the other one I knew, and the third I am praying will be short lived as his stress levels go down and he realizes he is home.

The first flag was the one I was slightly expecting which was a high lead level.  My friend's child who was adopted from the same orphanage had the same thing.  This is fairly normal with the environment that they were in so we will retest in a couple of months.

The second flag was the one I already knew from his previous medical results and that is he is anemic.  Once again something that hopefully will be helped with his new diet and a vitamin supplement.

The third flag is the biggest cause for concern - and that is he had an abnormally high thyroid reading.  This is very rare for children to have but could be caused by high amounts of stress.  He has went through some major stressful things even as well as he doing.  We are praying that this is the case and that in 2 months when we retest his levels will be back to normal.  If they turn out to still be high, it is likely he will have to regulate this with medicine his entire life.

I thank you for your prayers and I ask that you continue to lift him up in the next couple months, especially specifically about the thyroid issue.

I will leave you with a funny picture.... Ryan had a hood on his shirt with his vest and Zalen did not.  Zalen wanted a hood... so he decided to wear his vest like this...