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| Zalen's first day of Pre-K |
I feel like I am quite lacking in updating. Being a mom of 4 has its distinct challenges. Blogging goes through the seasons, just like the weather I am afraid.
Lately, so many others have said it so much better then I could. I have been sharing more blog posts then writing them, because they have spoken my heart so well. Or spoke to my heart so well.
Mother's Day thoughts: "Dear Moms of Adopted Children" by Kathy Lynn Harris
Just to link a few, that may speak to you as well.
For the first year of Zalen being home we have experienced a roller coaster of a ride together. Many up's and down's. I chronicled our first 11 months together and we celebrated his one year home.
In Zalen's case it was a change in routine. We started Pre-K. He seemed very excited about it. We eased in slow. We thought it would be good for him to get a few months in before summer, so he would have a better idea of the school routine for Kindergarten next fall. The first day went well. I heaved a sigh of relief.
The next day, I walked in and took in the fragments of a little boy who had been crippled by the explosion of boundaries drawn. New teachers, new authority, and the fear had taken hostage the excitement of going to school. I barely held it together as I took in his crushed/scared demeanor. My mama's heart crushed under a heavy weight of sorrow. I was assailed by the memories of the valley, two months of grieving alongside him, scars still fresh.
I signed up for this. I knew it would be hard. I did my homework on adoption. I counted the cost. I was not naive. I knew knowledge, though important, would not remove the cost. Yet, up to this moment, I was the only one He had fought so intensely with those walls. His teachers didn't sign on for this. Suddenly, three mere strangers had entered the battle with me. I felt exposed and vulnerable. Even with their love, encouraging words, I wanted to run away. The fears of being judged, misunderstood, and labeled shook me deep. I wanted to grab Zalen and run from it all, away from the hard.
Someone must of been praying for me. I stayed and grueled through the process of "handling" such a scenario. I didn't break until I got in the van. We both cried all the way home.
I prayed earnestly for the healing of His heart. I yelled at the unfairness of it all. Does the suffering ever stop? I sat and struggled with the weight of it all and prayed God would take the burden.
I confessed to God that I would never be enough for this beloved child of mine. Only He can be. Knowing this, my heart still hurt. What unseen demons were plaguing his heart that day? Robbing from him that precious toothy grin and infectious laugh. I know His loving personality that is eager to help and naturally loves. What triggered this? What memories stole his peace?
So, how do I help him? How do I parent the wounded?
Here is my daily script:
I breathe and live GRACE and MERCY and love poured through. It is all I can do.While that day was a day where I was crying from the hard places I could still smile deep at the end of it as I looked back and saw the many more days of JOY experienced then days of grieving. Days where love abounded so greatly, it stole my breath if I dared to drink it in.
I will pray for him and with him, pleading he will accept the same. I will fight for him to know that He was chosen and wanted. I will reaffirm it a million times over, just as God does to me. When he is raw and exposed, I will join him and we will cry together.
I will cling to the promise: "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3.....For, one promise leads to another...One I live daily -- His new mercies everyday. My Jesus goes before me to fight the demons I can't see nor fathom. I rest in that. I am not alone...despite what I feel and neither is Zalen.
I will end the post with some of those moments. If you are parenting in the hard places... keep going my dear friend. You are not alone. There is a silver lining in those clouds. More is going on behind the scenes then you will ever know. Accept the grace and mercy. Accept those willing to wade through the battlefield with you. And don't give up! For JOY is waiting... Healing is happening...
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| Feb. - 13 months home - Crawling through the snow tunnel on the back deck we dug out. |
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| Mar. - 14 months home - Roller skating for the 2nd time |
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| April 15 months home - You catch a glimpse into God's redemptive story |
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| May - almost 16 months home - Catching fish on Mother's Day |
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| Was so excited to give me these flowers for Mother's Day |
So many, many more days of JOY! I am counting them and watching him grow. I understand we are still in a process but just in the last few weeks I have watched something beautiful happen. The other night he came over and asked if he could snuggle with me. I was over the moon happy. He actually loves hugs and kisses and our good night routines, but this was a huge step forward. He has never liked to snuggle in like the other kids. He might as well of said "It might be ok if you be my mom." I just really needed that confirmation that I am doing something right.
A lot of that first year was tearing down walls. I feel he is finally at the stage where he trusts me enough to begin building something new together. Our attachment is finally getting to a natural place that I have longed for. He has attached to others much more quickly then he has to me and that has been hard. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like I wasn't enough. Now, I know I just had to pass the test, again and again so those walls would crumble. I may have more to pass in the future, but I am in this for the long haul.
I am so blessed to be his mom! I really am. 16 months in, and so worth it to see the sparkle in those beautiful brown eyes.
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