Zalen turned 5 and BLOG BREAK

Just thought I'd better write one last blog post and let you know that I'm taking my media break through the month of June once again.

I will miss reading your blogs and I do require any exciting news (like traveling or such) be e-mailed.  I will still be checking my e-mail.  If you look above there is this little contact me button.... so yeah don't be afraid to jot me a few lines here and there.

So I thought to tide you over I'd leave you with a few pictures of Zalen from May.  He turned 5 in the month of May and we celebrated with a camping them birthday.

 

All the cousins.  The kids got hiking sticks and tied up in the bandanas was trail mix to snack on.

My kids camped out in the tent that night with their older cousin Trey.

Roasting hotdogs and later that night we had S'mores of course!  Zalen loves S'mores.

 

New fishing pole from mom and dad.  He loves fishing.

He also graduated from Pre-K

 

 

Love that smile :-)  Next fall he will be off to Kindergarten. 

When I get back I will have to do another blog giveaway!  As my facebook read today - See you in July home fries.  

Book review: "Orphan Justice"

Every since I returned from Africa I have been struggling to find my place after all I saw and experienced.  "Orphan Justice: How to Care for Orphans Beyond Adopting" by Johnny Carr was a great book to read.  It chronicles so many of my thoughts.

The book was not afraid to ask the hard questions.  It covered topics from adoption ethics to HIV to human trafficking to abortion.  My favorite part of this was the section called "What you can do" at the end of the chapters.  After asking the hard questions, the chapter ends with practical ideas on how to get involved.  It gives feasible ideas in many different capacities from things anyone can do to things MANY can do, to things on a bit bigger scale that a FEW could do.  This was really great, because it leaves the reader an outlet to move into action.  Often times we are moved to compassion when we need to be moved to action.  I love that this book not only addresses the issues but introduces the reader to doorways of opportunity to be involved.

This book also uses scripture as an authority and a mandate to care for the orphan.  I love this quote from the book:

"Scripture doesn't spell out a detailed strategy for oprhan care, but God does speak directly to the role of His people.  In fact, God promises judgement on those who do not take care of the weak and needy: "Cursed is anyone who denies justice to foreigners, orphans, or widows" (Duet. 27:19 NLT) 

To our God, taking care of orphans isn't just a "great idea."  It's critical.  Why?  Because every man, woman boy, and girl-- including orphaned and vulnerable children--has been created in God's image and is precious to Him.  In Scripture, God describes Himself time and again as the helper of orphans."

This book stands well with the familiar quote in adoption circles:

"Adoption in not for everyone, but caring for orphans is for everyone." 

If you are looking for feasible ways to care for orphans this book is for you.  If you are wanting to fight the injustice, this book gives you several ideas in several different areas on how to get started.  If you are curious about adoption and foster care, pick this book up and spend some time in prayer asking God where your role lies.  If your a church leader, pick this book up and let it help open your eyes to the mandate scripture outlines concerning being a voice for the voiceless.

This is not just a book just for those who have adopted or are interested in adopting.  This book is for everyone who believes in the gospel message.  This book makes it clear that all Christians are called to care for orphans.  It is so important for each of us to search our hearts and find out in what capacity God wants to use us.

Make sure you put this one on your summer reading list and I pray you emerge from its pages ready to fight the American noise.

"No matter who you are you’ve got a voice
Why don’t you use it?"

Stains of the World

Last night I was overwhelmed with grief.  My soul already downcast from the earlier reports of renewed fighting near Goma (where I sponsor a child for school) and more innocent lives taken.  Then I read this status from Jeremy Willet lead singer of the band Willet who is adopting from Ghana.  I quickly became a fan of Willet after seeing them in concert awhile back. 

"During my last trip to Ghana just a few weeks ago, my wife, Kat and I traveled to the community where our son, Evans, was born. It is a community called Bolgatanga. While there, we saw the extreme poverty that our son was born into. We witnessed the generational poverty that has plagued his family, and many other families in the area for years. We heard countless stories of children suffering from malnutrition, malaria, HIV/AIDS, and special needs. We learned about the aggressive movement of Hinduism throughout the community, and met Christian missionaries from the U.S. that are working daily to advance the true Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Prior to traveling to this community, we learned of a young girl that was extremely sick. While in the village for several days, we were able to go and meet her. She was so frail and underweight due to malnutrition that we carefully held her in our laps and tried to comfort her as she looked up at us with her big, beautiful eyes. I know it sounds weird, and potentially cliche, but you could see the face of God when you looked at her.

When we left Bolgatanga, we were filled with joy because we passed court for our adoption…but we left with mixed emotions knowing the many children that would still struggle to survive in this area... boys and girls just like the one we held.

Today we learned that this little girl died.

God, please give me grace. I really don't want to offend anyone, but this hurts.

Do you know why she died?

She died because of starvation…from not having enough food for her little body to operate.

She died because we closed our eyes. She died because the "system" of orphan care is broken. She died because her story was never told. She died because while you and I went for "seconds", she had none. She died because somewhere along the line, we made "missions" a line item in our Church budgets, and felt it only deserved a small % of our income. She died because we blamed our complacency on the false-truth that, "we have starvation here in America…we should help our own first". She died because we forgot why we exist. 

As followers of Jesus, we were created to worship.

We love to boil "worship" down to our Sunday-morning-U2-sounding-praise-teams jamming out to 3 songs and a offertory…but God says "away with the noise of your worship!" In Amos Chapter 5, He continues by saying "what I want is JUSTICE to roll down like a river, RIGHTEOUSNESS like a never failing stream".

I'm angry.

God, please give me grace.

There is no justice in the death of a child due to something we could have prevented. "

I was already at a breaking point...and then read of an orphanage where the babies are wrapped up in potato sacks because they have no clothing.

Then you start scrolling down and read about first world problems and you feel sick.  You want to rant and rave and say "Really?!  This is your biggest problem?  Get over it.  Get over yourself!"  I am seriously losing compassion for people because I find their problems plain ignorant compared to the daily struggle for survival that so many are living.  It is probably good that I will be taking a month break from facebook because I want to shout "When was the last time you were truly starving?  Or fighting for your life?" 

Once again here I am trying to figure out how to live here in this abundance with the knowledge of the injustice.  Struggling to know how to be enough, and knowing I can never do enough. 

And my thoughts return to the story above and flashes of the girl in the green and yellow dress return.  I remembered touching her feverish skin and coaxing a smile from her malnourished body that was poking bone.  I cried more and lamented Psalms.  I prayed Psalms 58 over the wicked who are slaying the innocent.

 "Let them vanish like water that flows away; when they draw the bow, let their arrows fall short." 

I prayed for protection of the many faces I am growing in my heart. 

Then my thoughts returned to worship. 

I am so sick of boiled down worship.  When will justice roll down like a river?

Maybe you can eat your excuses of complaceny over and over.  Maybe you can remain deaf and mute to the cry of the orphans but I can not.  Sometimes at night I weep because their cries are so loud.  If anyone notices I blame it on PMS, when it is really LTO - Loving the orphan.  I am tired of explaining to people why I can't get over it.

I am tired of trying to defend the church when she herself has a budget that focuses on first world problems.  I can't justify a paved parking lot when we turn a blind eye to those dying of preventable problems.  I just can't.  Throw your stones if you must.  

I just really wonder what great excuses you're going to give Jesus when you are asked what you did to help?  You go read these 54 verses and get back to me.  Then see if your % was enough.

Mine was not.  So I return to my wandering like a lost child in the woods.  I grieve under His wings in the only place I don't feel alone.  I leave feeling humbled, smothered in grace, because He bears the stains I was grieving over.  I know He knows.

He alone gives me strength to keep fighting.  So I will keep writing through the struggles even if I am misunderstood.  I will rally and pray for the healing of the heart of the child He chose for our family, even on the hard days.  I will pick myself back up, though weary and march on.  Those beautiful eyes stare at me from the translated documents, begging for a chance to dream.  I will not leave them faceless.  I will tell their story.

I ask those, here with me, that maybe lost and wandering.... in your wait, or in your journey...What do you do when you get in this place?  Will we ever find the balance?  Or will it always be a continual process of ashes to beauty?!  Will it always be so lonely?

I ask those, searching and praying.  What is the status of your worship?  Are you simply filling a pew?  Are you content with a %?

I ask the church if it is tired of being a stain of the world?  Or will you keep justifying the injustice?  When will you let the scriptures transform your mission?  My Bible reads:

James 1:27 

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

You talk about holiness and purity, but this verse rarely makes a sermon.  If we are talking % -- how many have visited the orphans in their affliction?

Because this verse says - "You go and visit the orphans and I am going to wreck your religion and your first world agenda.  You want to see my heart, YOU GO VISIT (not look at pictures on some slideshow) and I will show you.  You go and I will search your heart and bring you home a changed person."

That is exactly what happened to me.

Almost a year and half later I am still wrecked.  However, I'd rather be wrecked and struggling vs. not living it out.

Where are you?

Why do you blog? + Blog Hop

I started Divine Moments to chronicle our adoption journey.  I continue to blog at Divine Moments because even though Zalen is home, the journey continues.

I also blog because I hope to provide a community feel for the network of adoptive families out there who are in all stages of adoption.  During my process the online community helped me so much to navigate through each step.  They cheered with me through the paperwork trail and cried and prayed me through when emotions took their toll.  In many ways, I just want to give back.

Also this blog has helped me to find my place after the airport.  I have rallied with some great non-for-profits.  Some of my friends and family have not been called to adopt but through our adoption process have been moved to also be a voice for the least of these.  I want to continue to provide opportunities for those who have a heart for the orphan to get involved.  Whether it be to sponsor a child for school, buy a mosquito net, or donate $7 for a pillow.  Also, many after adopting feel a bit lost (I know I did) as they try to figure out how to respond to the need they were made aware of after traveling.  I am hoping to rally with them to become a team that is continuing to fight for the DRC.  Feature Friday was created to show case those committed to justice for the orphan, mainly focusing on the efforts in the DRC.

In an effort to get us more united I want to start a Wednesday Blog link-up called "Stir it Up".  This isn't limited to only those adopting, but anyone who has passion for stirring up one another to love deeper.  The general rule is, link-up and then show the love by clicking on the blog post linked before yours and leave a comment.  I know we have limited time and busy lives but maybe that one comment will encourage someone that day.  If you are the first one to link-up, leave a comment on this post.  I kinda like comments and to know what you are thinking :-)  I am hoping that this will add a community feel to the blog that it seems to be lacking.

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works" Hebrews 10:24

If you have never done a blog link up before here is how to link-up:

Step #1: Scroll to the bottom of the post for the link party in which you would like to link up to. At the bottom there will be a button that says "add your link" 
 
Step #2: Click on the "add your link" button and the screen will pop up a place to add your information.
 
Step #3: Entering your information. Where is says "URL" that is where you are going to paste the link to your post you would like to share. It is important that you put the link to the specific post and not just a link to your main page in this spot.  Where it says "name" it is wanting the title to the post that will be featured... not your actual name.  Where it says "email" add in your email. This is not shown on your link to anyone except me, the host of the link-up.

Step #4: Click the button that says "Next step".

Step #5: Now it will take you to a screen that has pictures that can be found on your blog. Pick the picture that you feel represents your post the best.  

Step #6: Click on the blog link-up before yours and leave a comment. 

 
 

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Zalen update - 16 months in

Zalen's first day of Pre-K

I feel like I am quite lacking in updating.  Being a mom of 4 has its distinct challenges.  Blogging goes through the seasons, just like the weather I am afraid. 

Lately, so many others have said it so much better then I could.  I have been sharing more blog posts then writing them, because they have spoken my heart so well.  Or spoke to my heart so well.

  

Trying to figure out the fence: "Of my Own" by Sara at Ever Bitter Thing is Sweet
Mother's Day thoughts: "Dear Moms of Adopted Children" by Kathy Lynn Harris

Just to link a few, that may speak to you as well.

For the first year of Zalen being home we have experienced a roller coaster of a ride together.  Many up's and down's.  I chronicled our first 11 months together and we celebrated his one year home.  

The journey is far from being over.  In many ways it has just begun.  Bonding, attachment, adjusting is such a process.  A continuing process.  The healing of the heart is so different for each child.  When you are parenting a child with an unknown history, you always have to be aware of the hidden minefield in their hearts.  You just never know when one of those bombs will go off.
  
In Zalen's case it was a change in routine.  We started Pre-K.  He seemed very excited about it.  We eased in slow.  We thought it would be good for him to get a few months in before summer, so he would have a better idea of the school routine for Kindergarten next fall.  The first day went well.  I heaved a sigh of relief.

The next day, I walked in and took in the fragments of a little boy who had been crippled by the explosion of boundaries drawn.  New teachers, new authority, and the fear had taken hostage the excitement of going to school.  I barely held it together as I took in his crushed/scared demeanor.  My mama's heart crushed under a heavy weight of sorrow.  I was assailed by the memories of the valley, two months of grieving alongside him, scars still fresh.

I signed up for this.  I knew it would be hard.  I did my homework on adoption.  I counted the cost.  I was not naive.  I knew knowledge, though important, would not remove the cost.  Yet, up to this moment, I was the only one He had fought so intensely with those walls.  His teachers didn't sign on for this.  Suddenly, three mere strangers had entered the battle with me.  I felt exposed and vulnerable.  Even with their love, encouraging words, I wanted to run away.  The fears of being judged, misunderstood, and labeled shook me deep.  I wanted to grab Zalen and run from it all, away from the hard.

Someone must of been praying for me.  I stayed and grueled through the process of "handling" such a scenario.  I didn't break until I got in the van.  We both cried all the way home.

I prayed earnestly for the healing of His heart. I yelled at the unfairness of it all.  Does the suffering ever stop?  I sat and struggled with the weight of it all and prayed God would take the burden.

I confessed to God that I would never be enough for this beloved child of mine.  Only He can be. Knowing this, my heart still hurt. What unseen demons were plaguing his heart that day?  Robbing from him that precious toothy grin and infectious laugh.  I know His loving personality that is eager to help and naturally loves.  What triggered this?  What memories stole his peace?

So, how do I help him?  How do I parent the wounded?
Here is my daily script:

I breathe and live GRACE and MERCY and love poured through.  It is all I can do. 
I will pray for him and with him, pleading he will accept the same.  I will fight for him to know that He was chosen and wanted.  I will reaffirm it a million times over, just as God does to me.  When he is raw and exposed, I will join him and we will cry together.
I will cling to the promise: "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:3.....For, one promise leads to another...One I live daily -- His new mercies everyday.  My Jesus goes before me to fight the demons I can't see nor fathom.  I rest in that.  I am not alone...despite what I feel and neither is Zalen.

While that day was a day where I was crying from the hard places I could still smile deep at the end of it as I looked back and saw the many more days of JOY experienced then days of grieving.  Days where love abounded so greatly, it stole my breath if I dared to drink it in.

I will end the post with some of those moments.  If you are parenting in the hard places... keep going my dear friend.  You are not alone.  There is a silver lining in those clouds.  More is going on behind the scenes then you will ever know.  Accept the grace and mercy.  Accept those willing to wade through the battlefield with you.   And don't give up!  For JOY is waiting...  Healing is happening...

Feb. - 13 months home - Crawling through the snow tunnel on the back deck we dug out.

 

Mar. - 14 months home - Roller skating for the 2nd time

April 15 months home - You catch a glimpse into God's redemptive story

May - almost 16 months home - Catching fish on Mother's Day

Was so excited to give me these flowers for Mother's Day

So many, many more days of JOY!  I am counting them and watching him grow.  I understand we are still in a process but just in the last few weeks I have watched something beautiful happen.  The other night he came over and asked if he could snuggle with me.  I was over the moon happy.  He actually loves hugs and kisses and our good night routines, but this was a huge step forward.  He has never liked to snuggle in like the other kids.  He might as well of said "It might be ok if you be my mom." I just really needed that confirmation that I am doing something right.  

A lot of that first year was tearing down walls.  I feel he is finally at the stage where he trusts me enough to begin building something new together.  Our attachment is finally getting to a natural place that I have longed for.  He has attached to others much more quickly then he has to me and that has been hard.  I felt like I was doing something wrong.  I felt like I wasn't enough.  Now, I know I just had to pass the test, again and again so those walls would crumble.  I may have more to pass in the future, but I am in this for the long haul.

I am so blessed to be his mom!  I really am.  16 months in, and so worth it to see the sparkle in those beautiful brown eyes. 

Discontent

I wrote this post as I was trying to figure out how to be here after being there.  I know I would never be the same.  I was so prepared and read up on how to deal with my son's grieving if/when it happened, but I had no clue I would go through grieving of my own.  I know I have readers in all stages of the adoption process and just felt led to share re-post this evening.  I hope it reaches who it needs to reach.  That discontent continued to dissect and prob, but months later I am emerging a different person due to it.  The raw emotions eventually birthed a flame of change that is still burning.. that I can continue to be a voice for the least of these. 

Discontent.

The kind of discontent that drains your soul.

For over a year... I had one purpose....Bring my son home.  It was my mission.  It filled up my life--anticipation, prayer, paperwork, appointments, fundraisers, etc...  Every time a new picture or update would arrive in my e-mail my day would be so full of JOY and PRAISE.  It united our family deeply as we prepared our hearts for a new son, a new brother.  It took my FAITH to a desperate, depend on God at every moment, kind of place and I drank it up -- my cup overflowed time and time again as prayers were answered and miracles happened before my very eyes.  Then I traveled to Africa, stepped into a moment that had been waiting for me my entire life, and embraced my son.  My week spent in Africa was amazing, heart-wrenching, and life changing.  I have never in my life felt more alive.

Then I returned back to my life as I knew it.  The first month was full of rejoicing as everyone met Zalen.  It was full of tender moments as God knit us together, teaching each of us a new way to love.  Bringing a 3 year old home is very different then bringing your baby home.  You know so little about him.  I am still yearning for that deep connection I have with my other children.  I understand that takes time -- I have built that bond with my other children since birth.  Yet, I rejoiced at how Zalen just fit within the family.  Yes, there were adjustments but I was amazed at how well we meshed and stood once again amazed at how God works in all the details.  There were also amazing moments where friends and family got to meet him.  Some expecting a shy, withdrawn child were stunned when Zalen beamed his contagious smile, wrapped them up in a hug and received them with a warm accented "Hallo!"

It was shortly after the 1 month mark when things started going array.  I wrote on my adoption blog: I'm not sure who I am anymore.  What I once wanted out of life seems meaningless.  So many layers gone, I feel exposed and vulnerable.  But more importantly I feel ready to grow.  I am ready for God to teach me. 

I feel ready to grow...  I don't think I had any idea it would be painful and at times extremely lonely. 
It was a little over a month when the emotions started to overwhelm me.  The experiences of my time in the DRC started to filter into my dreams, children's faces; the pleading eyes of Philemon asking us to be a voice, to not forget; the man at the restaurant who asked us to take his brother's son home..... I ached for Africa.  I threw myself into my 7 challenge which I had already pledged to do before I even left.  It may sound crazy, but this 7 challenge against excess has been an act of confession and cleansing that my soul deeply needs.  With each phase I am asking God to forgive me for my excess and begging Him to help me understand why He ripped out a place in my heart and then sent me back home.

I confessed my guilt. To God, friends, family, and tried to vent it out through my writing.  I tried to excuse the emotions and find some sort of "normal" again.  I am shamed to say that when that "normal" did not happen... I got angry.  I got sad.  I was just all over the map.  I longed for people to understand where I was, how I felt. I didn't get why they didn't understand the urgency I felt in my heart that WE HAVE TO CHANGE - WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP.  I didn't understand why I didn't have a dozen or so people jumping up and down to join my experiment against excess.  I started to really get angry at the complacency of people, the church, and if I am frankly honest walked a fine line of being self-righteous.  Don't worry Jesus is always quick to knock me off my high horse.  He swiftly reminded me that I was the same way before my own adoption journey, before He opened my eyes.  Once knocked off, I was just sad.  I was more then sad.  I was grieving.  Grieving that people around me thought the story was over because Zalen was home.  The story isn't over, I wanted to shout, Do you know how many I left behind?

I listened to my husbands frustrations as I sobbed all the way home from our date night because I felt guilty for spending too much.  "You are not going to change things by jumping down into the well with them," he said.  "Someone has to be the person at the top sending down the bucket to help them out."  I didn't care.  I told him I wanted to jump down into the well.  I kept going through the motions, the guilt eating away.  The desire to serve the least of these growing deeper.  The turmoil came to a head and I hit the altar one Sunday morning pouring out my guilt to God, surrendering that I would trust Him with this process, even if it hurt.

We hit the 2 month mark of Zalen being home and I knew I needed to pull myself together.  I didn't want to be so focused on my inner turmoil that I missed the blessing right before me.  My son was home.  He needed me.  My other children needed me.  I started focusing on them. As always, so much JOY comes from just being a mom.  Yet each night when my mommy role relaxed as they were each tucked into bed, my heart returned to Congo.  All the inner turmoil resurfaced as I prepared for a small group lesson one afternoon.  What am I willing to give up to follow Jesus?  What is the cost for me?"   In some way, I am searching for the treasure hidden in the field.  I want that unfathomable joy.  I just feel that is where we, as a church, as Christians go wrong.  We think we can follow Jesus without the cost.  It always costs.  You know what is hitting me right now like a ton of bricks is WHAT IT COST HIM!  We want the JOY, the blessing, without the cost.

In that small group -- I was honestly questioned - "Isn't there a time in your life when you can relax and just enjoy the blessings God has given you?  Do you always have to strive to do more, be more?"  Don't I?  I don't know.  Is it wrong to feel so discontented with where I am at?  I feel it is God that has placed that discontentment there -- so I would search for the hidden treasure.  I know God loves me.  I am secure as His child.  I am just not secure in my purpose.  He is remolding me.  He has opened my eyes to things of which I can not ignore.  My life has been changed.  To just be ok with where I am right now seems to be just like putting new wine back into old bottles.  It makes no sense.  You see this adoption journey was not just a fresh coat of paint on my soul -- it was more like a demolition party.  I am trying to rebuild with His blueprint this time, not the American dream that I have been fed all my life.

I understand... People like content people.  Content people are comfortable.  Discontent people are restless.  In fact it is defined as -- a restless desire or craving for something one does not have.  I do not have a clear understanding of what God wants from me right now.  He wants me here, yet my heart is torn between two continents.  My discontent makes me edgy, a bit crazy, but my desire to know God is intense.  I am sorry if I make you uncomfortable.  I am sorry that I drive you nuts about projects and Africa and loving orphans, but it has become the beat of my heart.  I am sad to know that I will lose some of you due to those that are unwilling to accept it nor connect with it.  I can't focus on you anymore.  My aim must be to please God.  I am thankful for those who are with me, the ones God is using to encourage me, to continue to be a voice.  In just the last week, He has sent two different people my way just to encourage me.  I also am thankful for your patience with me -- Like when I cry in Sunday School and you offer to me the transparency of your own heart.  I needed that.  To know I am not alone.

Wrong or right... I feel that the discontent is part of the process.