Why do you blog? + Blog Hop

I started Divine Moments to chronicle our adoption journey.  I continue to blog at Divine Moments because even though Zalen is home, the journey continues.

I also blog because I hope to provide a community feel for the network of adoptive families out there who are in all stages of adoption.  During my process the online community helped me so much to navigate through each step.  They cheered with me through the paperwork trail and cried and prayed me through when emotions took their toll.  In many ways, I just want to give back.

Also this blog has helped me to find my place after the airport.  I have rallied with some great non-for-profits.  Some of my friends and family have not been called to adopt but through our adoption process have been moved to also be a voice for the least of these.  I want to continue to provide opportunities for those who have a heart for the orphan to get involved.  Whether it be to sponsor a child for school, buy a mosquito net, or donate $7 for a pillow.  Also, many after adopting feel a bit lost (I know I did) as they try to figure out how to respond to the need they were made aware of after traveling.  I am hoping to rally with them to become a team that is continuing to fight for the DRC.  Feature Friday was created to show case those committed to justice for the orphan, mainly focusing on the efforts in the DRC.

In an effort to get us more united I want to start a Wednesday Blog link-up called "Stir it Up".  This isn't limited to only those adopting, but anyone who has passion for stirring up one another to love deeper.  The general rule is, link-up and then show the love by clicking on the blog post linked before yours and leave a comment.  I know we have limited time and busy lives but maybe that one comment will encourage someone that day.  If you are the first one to link-up, leave a comment on this post.  I kinda like comments and to know what you are thinking :-)  I am hoping that this will add a community feel to the blog that it seems to be lacking.

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works" Hebrews 10:24

If you have never done a blog link up before here is how to link-up:

Step #1: Scroll to the bottom of the post for the link party in which you would like to link up to. At the bottom there will be a button that says "add your link" 
 
Step #2: Click on the "add your link" button and the screen will pop up a place to add your information.
 
Step #3: Entering your information. Where is says "URL" that is where you are going to paste the link to your post you would like to share. It is important that you put the link to the specific post and not just a link to your main page in this spot.  Where it says "name" it is wanting the title to the post that will be featured... not your actual name.  Where it says "email" add in your email. This is not shown on your link to anyone except me, the host of the link-up.

Step #4: Click the button that says "Next step".

Step #5: Now it will take you to a screen that has pictures that can be found on your blog. Pick the picture that you feel represents your post the best.  

Step #6: Click on the blog link-up before yours and leave a comment. 

 
 

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Zalen update - 16 months in

Zalen's first day of Pre-K

I feel like I am quite lacking in updating.  Being a mom of 4 has its distinct challenges.  Blogging goes through the seasons, just like the weather I am afraid. 

Lately, so many others have said it so much better then I could.  I have been sharing more blog posts then writing them, because they have spoken my heart so well.  Or spoke to my heart so well.

  

Trying to figure out the fence: "Of my Own" by Sara at Ever Bitter Thing is Sweet
Mother's Day thoughts: "Dear Moms of Adopted Children" by Kathy Lynn Harris

Just to link a few, that may speak to you as well.

For the first year of Zalen being home we have experienced a roller coaster of a ride together.  Many up's and down's.  I chronicled our first 11 months together and we celebrated his one year home.  

The journey is far from being over.  In many ways it has just begun.  Bonding, attachment, adjusting is such a process.  A continuing process.  The healing of the heart is so different for each child.  When you are parenting a child with an unknown history, you always have to be aware of the hidden minefield in their hearts.  You just never know when one of those bombs will go off.
  
In Zalen's case it was a change in routine.  We started Pre-K.  He seemed very excited about it.  We eased in slow.  We thought it would be good for him to get a few months in before summer, so he would have a better idea of the school routine for Kindergarten next fall.  The first day went well.  I heaved a sigh of relief.

The next day, I walked in and took in the fragments of a little boy who had been crippled by the explosion of boundaries drawn.  New teachers, new authority, and the fear had taken hostage the excitement of going to school.  I barely held it together as I took in his crushed/scared demeanor.  My mama's heart crushed under a heavy weight of sorrow.  I was assailed by the memories of the valley, two months of grieving alongside him, scars still fresh.

I signed up for this.  I knew it would be hard.  I did my homework on adoption.  I counted the cost.  I was not naive.  I knew knowledge, though important, would not remove the cost.  Yet, up to this moment, I was the only one He had fought so intensely with those walls.  His teachers didn't sign on for this.  Suddenly, three mere strangers had entered the battle with me.  I felt exposed and vulnerable.  Even with their love, encouraging words, I wanted to run away.  The fears of being judged, misunderstood, and labeled shook me deep.  I wanted to grab Zalen and run from it all, away from the hard.

Someone must of been praying for me.  I stayed and grueled through the process of "handling" such a scenario.  I didn't break until I got in the van.  We both cried all the way home.

I prayed earnestly for the healing of His heart. I yelled at the unfairness of it all.  Does the suffering ever stop?  I sat and struggled with the weight of it all and prayed God would take the burden.

I confessed to God that I would never be enough for this beloved child of mine.  Only He can be. Knowing this, my heart still hurt. What unseen demons were plaguing his heart that day?  Robbing from him that precious toothy grin and infectious laugh.  I know His loving personality that is eager to help and naturally loves.  What triggered this?  What memories stole his peace?

So, how do I help him?  How do I parent the wounded?
Here is my daily script:

I breathe and live GRACE and MERCY and love poured through.  It is all I can do. 
I will pray for him and with him, pleading he will accept the same.  I will fight for him to know that He was chosen and wanted.  I will reaffirm it a million times over, just as God does to me.  When he is raw and exposed, I will join him and we will cry together.
I will cling to the promise: "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:3.....For, one promise leads to another...One I live daily -- His new mercies everyday.  My Jesus goes before me to fight the demons I can't see nor fathom.  I rest in that.  I am not alone...despite what I feel and neither is Zalen.

While that day was a day where I was crying from the hard places I could still smile deep at the end of it as I looked back and saw the many more days of JOY experienced then days of grieving.  Days where love abounded so greatly, it stole my breath if I dared to drink it in.

I will end the post with some of those moments.  If you are parenting in the hard places... keep going my dear friend.  You are not alone.  There is a silver lining in those clouds.  More is going on behind the scenes then you will ever know.  Accept the grace and mercy.  Accept those willing to wade through the battlefield with you.   And don't give up!  For JOY is waiting...  Healing is happening...

Feb. - 13 months home - Crawling through the snow tunnel on the back deck we dug out.

 

Mar. - 14 months home - Roller skating for the 2nd time

April 15 months home - You catch a glimpse into God's redemptive story

May - almost 16 months home - Catching fish on Mother's Day

Was so excited to give me these flowers for Mother's Day

So many, many more days of JOY!  I am counting them and watching him grow.  I understand we are still in a process but just in the last few weeks I have watched something beautiful happen.  The other night he came over and asked if he could snuggle with me.  I was over the moon happy.  He actually loves hugs and kisses and our good night routines, but this was a huge step forward.  He has never liked to snuggle in like the other kids.  He might as well of said "It might be ok if you be my mom." I just really needed that confirmation that I am doing something right.  

A lot of that first year was tearing down walls.  I feel he is finally at the stage where he trusts me enough to begin building something new together.  Our attachment is finally getting to a natural place that I have longed for.  He has attached to others much more quickly then he has to me and that has been hard.  I felt like I was doing something wrong.  I felt like I wasn't enough.  Now, I know I just had to pass the test, again and again so those walls would crumble.  I may have more to pass in the future, but I am in this for the long haul.

I am so blessed to be his mom!  I really am.  16 months in, and so worth it to see the sparkle in those beautiful brown eyes. 

Discontent

I wrote this post as I was trying to figure out how to be here after being there.  I know I would never be the same.  I was so prepared and read up on how to deal with my son's grieving if/when it happened, but I had no clue I would go through grieving of my own.  I know I have readers in all stages of the adoption process and just felt led to share re-post this evening.  I hope it reaches who it needs to reach.  That discontent continued to dissect and prob, but months later I am emerging a different person due to it.  The raw emotions eventually birthed a flame of change that is still burning.. that I can continue to be a voice for the least of these. 

Discontent.

The kind of discontent that drains your soul.

For over a year... I had one purpose....Bring my son home.  It was my mission.  It filled up my life--anticipation, prayer, paperwork, appointments, fundraisers, etc...  Every time a new picture or update would arrive in my e-mail my day would be so full of JOY and PRAISE.  It united our family deeply as we prepared our hearts for a new son, a new brother.  It took my FAITH to a desperate, depend on God at every moment, kind of place and I drank it up -- my cup overflowed time and time again as prayers were answered and miracles happened before my very eyes.  Then I traveled to Africa, stepped into a moment that had been waiting for me my entire life, and embraced my son.  My week spent in Africa was amazing, heart-wrenching, and life changing.  I have never in my life felt more alive.

Then I returned back to my life as I knew it.  The first month was full of rejoicing as everyone met Zalen.  It was full of tender moments as God knit us together, teaching each of us a new way to love.  Bringing a 3 year old home is very different then bringing your baby home.  You know so little about him.  I am still yearning for that deep connection I have with my other children.  I understand that takes time -- I have built that bond with my other children since birth.  Yet, I rejoiced at how Zalen just fit within the family.  Yes, there were adjustments but I was amazed at how well we meshed and stood once again amazed at how God works in all the details.  There were also amazing moments where friends and family got to meet him.  Some expecting a shy, withdrawn child were stunned when Zalen beamed his contagious smile, wrapped them up in a hug and received them with a warm accented "Hallo!"

It was shortly after the 1 month mark when things started going array.  I wrote on my adoption blog: I'm not sure who I am anymore.  What I once wanted out of life seems meaningless.  So many layers gone, I feel exposed and vulnerable.  But more importantly I feel ready to grow.  I am ready for God to teach me. 

I feel ready to grow...  I don't think I had any idea it would be painful and at times extremely lonely. 
It was a little over a month when the emotions started to overwhelm me.  The experiences of my time in the DRC started to filter into my dreams, children's faces; the pleading eyes of Philemon asking us to be a voice, to not forget; the man at the restaurant who asked us to take his brother's son home..... I ached for Africa.  I threw myself into my 7 challenge which I had already pledged to do before I even left.  It may sound crazy, but this 7 challenge against excess has been an act of confession and cleansing that my soul deeply needs.  With each phase I am asking God to forgive me for my excess and begging Him to help me understand why He ripped out a place in my heart and then sent me back home.

I confessed my guilt. To God, friends, family, and tried to vent it out through my writing.  I tried to excuse the emotions and find some sort of "normal" again.  I am shamed to say that when that "normal" did not happen... I got angry.  I got sad.  I was just all over the map.  I longed for people to understand where I was, how I felt. I didn't get why they didn't understand the urgency I felt in my heart that WE HAVE TO CHANGE - WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP.  I didn't understand why I didn't have a dozen or so people jumping up and down to join my experiment against excess.  I started to really get angry at the complacency of people, the church, and if I am frankly honest walked a fine line of being self-righteous.  Don't worry Jesus is always quick to knock me off my high horse.  He swiftly reminded me that I was the same way before my own adoption journey, before He opened my eyes.  Once knocked off, I was just sad.  I was more then sad.  I was grieving.  Grieving that people around me thought the story was over because Zalen was home.  The story isn't over, I wanted to shout, Do you know how many I left behind?

I listened to my husbands frustrations as I sobbed all the way home from our date night because I felt guilty for spending too much.  "You are not going to change things by jumping down into the well with them," he said.  "Someone has to be the person at the top sending down the bucket to help them out."  I didn't care.  I told him I wanted to jump down into the well.  I kept going through the motions, the guilt eating away.  The desire to serve the least of these growing deeper.  The turmoil came to a head and I hit the altar one Sunday morning pouring out my guilt to God, surrendering that I would trust Him with this process, even if it hurt.

We hit the 2 month mark of Zalen being home and I knew I needed to pull myself together.  I didn't want to be so focused on my inner turmoil that I missed the blessing right before me.  My son was home.  He needed me.  My other children needed me.  I started focusing on them. As always, so much JOY comes from just being a mom.  Yet each night when my mommy role relaxed as they were each tucked into bed, my heart returned to Congo.  All the inner turmoil resurfaced as I prepared for a small group lesson one afternoon.  What am I willing to give up to follow Jesus?  What is the cost for me?"   In some way, I am searching for the treasure hidden in the field.  I want that unfathomable joy.  I just feel that is where we, as a church, as Christians go wrong.  We think we can follow Jesus without the cost.  It always costs.  You know what is hitting me right now like a ton of bricks is WHAT IT COST HIM!  We want the JOY, the blessing, without the cost.

In that small group -- I was honestly questioned - "Isn't there a time in your life when you can relax and just enjoy the blessings God has given you?  Do you always have to strive to do more, be more?"  Don't I?  I don't know.  Is it wrong to feel so discontented with where I am at?  I feel it is God that has placed that discontentment there -- so I would search for the hidden treasure.  I know God loves me.  I am secure as His child.  I am just not secure in my purpose.  He is remolding me.  He has opened my eyes to things of which I can not ignore.  My life has been changed.  To just be ok with where I am right now seems to be just like putting new wine back into old bottles.  It makes no sense.  You see this adoption journey was not just a fresh coat of paint on my soul -- it was more like a demolition party.  I am trying to rebuild with His blueprint this time, not the American dream that I have been fed all my life.

I understand... People like content people.  Content people are comfortable.  Discontent people are restless.  In fact it is defined as -- a restless desire or craving for something one does not have.  I do not have a clear understanding of what God wants from me right now.  He wants me here, yet my heart is torn between two continents.  My discontent makes me edgy, a bit crazy, but my desire to know God is intense.  I am sorry if I make you uncomfortable.  I am sorry that I drive you nuts about projects and Africa and loving orphans, but it has become the beat of my heart.  I am sad to know that I will lose some of you due to those that are unwilling to accept it nor connect with it.  I can't focus on you anymore.  My aim must be to please God.  I am thankful for those who are with me, the ones God is using to encourage me, to continue to be a voice.  In just the last week, He has sent two different people my way just to encourage me.  I also am thankful for your patience with me -- Like when I cry in Sunday School and you offer to me the transparency of your own heart.  I needed that.  To know I am not alone.

Wrong or right... I feel that the discontent is part of the process.

God sized dreams...

This weekend I got to meet my husband's co-worker Josh and his beautiful wife Gretchen.  After a Sunday afternoon lunch of BBQ ribs and Craig's homemade baked beans we went outside and enjoyed the spring sunshine.  It was not the sunshine that warmed me, but the passion and heartbeat that this young couple permeated.

I smiled deep as we talked.  I still am.  I have realized my kind of people, are people like Josh and Gretchen.  People who are living out God sized dreams, loving Jesus out loud by simply being obedient despite the cost.  

Get this....only married 10 months... freshly young, newlyweds and here they are living out this God sized journey.  In a month or so they will be leaving for Cambodia.  They will be working with Rapha House.  Rapha House's mission is "to love, rescue, and heal children who have been rescued from trafficking and sexual exploitation."  They will be working with a safe house and a half-way house in Phnom Pehn, Cambodia.  They are passionate about Jesus and instead of buying into some illusion of an American dream they are starting their lives together following God's call to be love in action.  Oh, I am savoring the unusual in this, yet my heart hurts because it needs to be the usual.  Young people seeking God's will for their lives in kingdom venues instead of worldly ones.

Talking with Gretchen, brought me back to a younger version of myself.  We were similar in a lot of ways, but one thing that starkly contrasted my own story was that at age 22 she already had the faith to step into the water.  It took me years to dissolve the fear and acquire the faith I needed to drown me and my dreams.   Many layers had to be stripped down before I relented to be that lump of clay that God wanted me to be so He could shape me for His purpose.  As I stood on the back deck, soaking in her story I marveled at how amazing a life can be when you do just that, surrender & obey. 

Simply put, I walked away from our time together completely inspired by the story they are writing.  So inspired I am writing this post, hoping you will rally around them in prayer and possibly pray about helping them to achieve the last bit needed to support them.  If not that, to beg you to be part of standing up for those whose innocence is being stolen by tyrants who think no one will stand up against them.

Is there no longer any David's to stand against the giants?
I met a couple this weekend that are willing to fight.
I believe God wants to rally an army.
An army of giant slayers!

I share the Day's passion in this.  The DRC has stats that sicken me.  An article released in 2011 stated that "About 48 women are raped in the Democratic Republic of the Congo every hour."  I sponsor a beautiful girl for school who is living daily with the scars of sexual exploitation.  I will not turn a blind eye to this plight.  Her story is real.  She has a name.  She is someone's daughter, and I think of her as my own when I pray for her.  More then that she is my sister in Christ.   

You can read more about about Josh and Gretchen's ministry on their blog: "Hope for the Hopeless"  I hope you will follow their journey.  I hope you will rally with them and pray for them.  I hope you will pray about what God wants you to do to fight the giant of sex trafficking that is being ignored by so many, whether it be in Cambodia, the DRC, or right here in the US.

Living out a dream of God sized proportion makes you a bit of an addict.  So I am going to keep pursuing them and supporting those who are.  I won't get so jaded that I will lose hope in people.  Instead I will keep encouraging others to start praying and seeking what God's purpose and plan is for their lives.  I will keep praying that more people will be unshackled by the weights of fear and finances as they kick comfortable Christianity in the face.  I am dreaming big.  I am praying for some God sized dreams to grip the hearts of a few seniors that are graduating this year.  I am praying constantly that God will always lead my children on a path that is His, and they will choose it even if it seems risky.  I am also waiting... and praying... and asking God what is next for me, our family....  because I know He isn't done with us yet.

I am kinda thinking He might not be done with you either....

Kaka School Update

looking back...

I came back from Africa with my son...

and realized I never would be the same.

Part of my heart was gone

and would forever remain in the Congo,

the birth country of my Zalen.

As I grieved and struggled to find my place

after the airport

so many of you rallied around me

listened to this new heartbeat

that God created through the broken

and instead of rolling your eyes

you joined in

to buy mosquito nets on World Malaria Day

you joined in

and donated items and helped me with the yard sale

for this school...for the children I left behind....

A little over a year ago I was here...

taking in all of this
and realizing compassion was not enough

 

and now...

 

The school at Kaka is almost complete!

Thanks to a lot of people working together to make a big difference!

Small added up quickly.

My timid of goal of raising $500 for this dream was blown out of the water

I think all together we raised around $1,100 through donations/yard sale

Many other people around the country joined our efforts.

I am very thankful for the non-for-profit who partnered along side our agency

to take this project to completion.  I seriously love Mama J.'s pet projects!  

Hopefully, I will get to meet the founders, the Boe family, at the annual 

"Golf for Congo" fundraiser this summer in Wisconsin ----> June 17th, 2013

Make sure you like their page because they are doing some great things in the DRC!

 

Be Their Hope Website

Be Their Hope Facebook Page

A pile of pancakes

God is doing that stirring and tearing of my heart again....
I say things out loud and don't even realize the weight of words spoken...

Words like ... "This Easter weekend has been so busy because I had so much food to prepare.  I have been cooking/baking for two days."  The twins sixth birthday was on Good Friday, so as soon as I wrapped up the celebration of that, I went right into Easter preparations.  Cupcakes, angel food cake, cookies, 4 layer dessert, another cake, and two different dishes of potatoes, topped off with an early 5 a.m. breakfast casserole. 

I sat there at breakfast, after the early Sonrise service, and stared at my section of egg casserole.  The stress still knotted my stomach.  I clutched my cup of coffee as if it were a lifeline to keep my eyelids from drooping.  I made polite conversation with my mom, and swam the pieces of fruit through the pond of juice that had gathered.  Here I was back on this worn and weary road I had promised myself not to return to.

A peach shirt decked with a striped tie sauntered in the room.  Black dress shoes sauntered into the fellowship hall, one untied already.  One finger was in his mouth, as he quickly looked around to see if anyone was watching him.  He didn't notice that I was.  The buffet of food sat idle, the lines of people decked in Easter finery now sat at colorful adorned tables chatting and eating.  They didn't notice the boy with the deep brown eyes fixated on the tower of pancakes that had not made it onto anyone's plate.  I sighed deep.  It had been a trying week, lessons thrown to the way side as I gave up the struggle to fight for his attention.  If only ABC's and colors could hold his attention like that plate of pancakes did right now, I thought to myself.

He kept inching closer as if the pancakes were whispering promises of buttery goodness.  It did not matter that his belly was quite full.  It didn't matter that his plate had been thrown away and the usual warning issued, "No more food, you are done."  This open buffet of uneaten food was a persistent blip on his radar that continued to lure him away from the play going on elsewhere.  He took one more look around.  I stood for attention as his slobbered fingers were dislodged from their sensory sucking to be replaced by the golden browned orb of goodness.  One step forward and his arm stopped reaching mid-air as he eyes met mine.  I was tired and when our gazes met & held, he did not see an ounce of humor or compassion. He was met by a steely glance that had been tried one to many times.  I managed some composure and weakly said, "Zalen, no more food."

"Okkkk.." he said, his voice fluctuating barely audible on the o sound, lulling forward to more emphasis on the k, grinding and drawling it out in his frustration of being caught.  Since he had drawn the attention of a few, he gave a crooked grin and left on legs that were trying to gallop, but had contracted a case of the hiccups instead.  A curly headed girl that I adore had arrived for a late breakfast fresh off the church van.   She was more then eager to let me know he already swiped part of her pancake without me knowing.  She grinned at me at the close of her story as if to say that she was on Zalen's side, not mine.  In that moment, a small crack started in my heart. 

The morning went on, hymns sang, message preached.  The tomb was empty, Christ had arose.  I wasn't there.  I was still stuck on Good Friday.  I couldn't pass off the feelings of guilt, as I tried to comprehend why Jesus would do that for me.  I couldn't get past the leftovers.  The leftovers of abundance, a roaster pan full of uneaten pancakes and biscuits.  The leftovers of my weary soul that I had brought to Easter service.  Why God?  my heart asked... do you let me have all of this... when others are suffering, carrying the cross?  Why do we have piles of pancakes when others have nothing.  Why?  Why God?  Why would you die for me.. who has lived so selfishly and unaware for so long.  Even now, after you have opened my eyes, I still forget and go back to the desires of the flesh.  My cracked heart, began to leak.  

My doubts don't lie in whether or not Jesus rose from the tomb, my doubts lie in why He would choose to trust me with abundance.  Why He would choose to use me for His plan?

^16-17 Meanwhile, the eleven disciples were on their way to Galilee, headed for the mountain Jesus had set for their reunion. The moment they saw him they worshiped him. Some, though, held back, not sure about worship, about risking themselves totally.

When I met my resurrected Savior on Easter Sunday, I had some doubts as I touched his nail scarred hands.  The weight of that sacrifice pressed heavy, making me doubt that He had chosen wisely when He chose me, a pile of filthy rags, for His plan.  The selfishness wrapped around all my first world problems were written clearly on my heart, but yet here Jesus stood, freshly sacrificed.  The question was simple, was I willing to do the same?

Am I willing to risk totally?
If I give all myself what does that mean?

That is the question wrecking my heart today.

It is black-and-white that we are the one with the extra pancakes that others are hungry for....

The question is "What are we... What am I going to do about it?"


P.S. Make sure you check out my giveaway in the post below if you haven't already!

*Giveaway* - 100 fans!!

Hi everyone!  Just want to give a very humble thank you for sharing the Divine Moments fan page on facebook.  I promised once we reached 100 likes I would do a giveaway.  Life has been insane this month so I am finally getting around to it.  Divine Moments very first giveaway!

Well, my last post was a guest post on fundraising and I asked for those doing adoption fundraisers to link up.  One of the first families to link up was the Hopkins family who are selling these beautiful "Pray it Forward" necklaces.  How perfect to support an adopting family for this giveaway. 

The necklace has been ordered and hopefully I will be getting it in the mail soon.  I didn't want to delay starting the giveaway.  There are several ways to enter - so see below.

Pray it Forward Necklaces
Description from Hopkin families Fundraising Page


Wear this necklace and remain in prayer until it falls off.  Then, let it go to God with faith it has been answered. When someone asks about it, share your prayer and increase awareness for local adoptions!

No two necklaces are the same... they are ALL beautiful thanks to my wonderfully brilliant friend Michele Oakland!   Below are the examples of the size.  The size does not indicate the length of the necklace, but rather the size of the pendant.  Choices are small, medium and large.
*pictured above is an example not the one that will be given away*

To enter - sign into the Rafflecopter below and then you can earn entries by doing 3 easy things:
   • If your a fan of Divine Moments on facebook - instant entry right there
   • If you leave a blog post comment on this entry about what you would like to see on the blog - you
     get a few more chances to win
   • If you share the link to this giveaway on facebook - you also get a chance to win. 

a Rafflecopter giveaway