Loving others as myself......

I'm not sure how transparent to be...  do I dare to write all on my heart?  I sit and drink in God's word and try to pull together a lesson for small group tonight and all I can do is cry at the conviction in my own heart.

I think of a friend's timely words and prayer in a message this week encouraging me to keep going, sharing my passion, even if it was lonely at times.

7: experiment is still going on.  I actually smell a little right now.. my T-shirt and jeans worn two days in a row.  I forgot last night to wash my other outfit.  Somehow I am finding a strange comfort in that I smell a bit.  You just have to know me and my previous issue with my clothes smelling fresh.  This is a challenge.  I have whined a bit lately because the weather getting so warm - means others are pulling out shorts and spring clothing.  I am rolling up my jeans and gray yoga pants.

I am learning that I do indeed feel that I "deserve" much more then I deserve.  I am learning that the more God messes up my world, the more lost I feel in the world I am in.  But God keeps pushing me.. "Be a voice!"

No God, I argued, I want to give up... I can't, it is too hard, too lonely.  Nobody understands it.  Besides, I am too messed up to be a voice.  I am so far from perfect.  You see me at my worst, with all my struggles.  Let someone else go this road, that is better at it.

My sermon notes on Sunday read:

 "I AM A FAILURE" 

underlined..underlined..underlined..underlined... 

Then I escaped, before I made spectacle of myself in the pew.  I went outside and cried out to God, why are you making my heart so broken?!  James 4 came back to me which we had studied in Sunday School...

    "Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies INTENSELY? vs. 6 But HE GIVES US MORE GRACE-- That is why Scripture says: "God opposed the proud but gives grace to the humble."

God saw through my facade.  I still fought him on it.  I had been convincing myself and trying to convince my husband that I was beginning to find the balance.  I had stopped crying over going to Wal-Mart and even to prove it, and ignore the turmoil in my heart I didn't say a word about going out to eat on Sunday afternoon.  

I some how started to try to justify that I could go on with my everyday just like I did before.  Before God opened my eyes.  Before orphans had names.  Before I realized how selfish I was.

This morning God finally got through.  When you fail, I give you more grace.  Quit fighting all those around you, your issue is with me.  The ache in your heart is the spirit that lives within me envying intensely because you are trying to be friends with the world.  You can not serve two masters.  I have only begun to show you what I need you to know... Keep seeking... Keep trusting....Keep praying..... Keep reading.....Keep Studying....but most of all Keep Being not just a voice, but my voice.  I finally understood that this once again has little to do with me but has a lot to do with what God wants to do through me.

So, thinking about next month's 7: experiment against access is FOOD.  I have been dreading this.  I am giving up coffee.  I have never given up coffee.  Not even for lent.  I will only be drinking water.  Only water.  For a month.  I am already trying to justify my food options.  That I couldn't possible do just 7 food choices, only Jenn Hatmaker could do that.  :-)  I keep making excuses that just giving up coffee should be enough.  Then I feel God pricking my heart, I thought you wanted to sacrifice and fast?  So trying to narrow down my food choices to seven.  

I was very challenged by the following song to continue on, even if those around me think I've went loopy.

I won't forget...

I won't forget the miracle of you...never

all the miracles in between that took us one step closer

today I cried

over the miracle of a heart healed by an amazing God

a mother's prayer that was carried across continents and miles

God, you held his heart, all its scars, hurts, disappointments

and you loved him more then I could ever love him

you held him, when I could not

when I felt helpless and tossed and turned at night

you were there with him preparing his heart to love, to trust

when I felt my heart would break with longing to be there with him

to embrace my boy and kiss away the scowl on his face

you would touch my heart as well...giving perfect peace

and assure me that my heart needed time as well

for you to mold it, prepare it, so I would be ready for him

today I praise you

for a sweet little boy who has a smile that lights up my world

and perfectly curled eyelashes that fairly make a gal swoon

for a little boy who tells his mama he loves her when she tucks him in

I cherish the random hugs that prick my eyes with tears

I notice how his little tongue hangs out whenever he concentrates

and I love to hear him laugh -- it reminds me I need to laugh more

lighten up and live deeper

and oh, oh, oh - there have been hard times

when he would push the boundaries and his Congolese stubborn pout

would form, his eyes refusing to make contact with mine

trying to convince me to give in

with tough love and more prayers.. we pushed on

and he learned that even with boundaries came love

unconditional love

and I hope Zalen Moise, you always know that

because sometimes my sweet boy I will mess up

and I will not know what to do

but I pray you will know that my love, God's love is just that

unconditional

I can't wait to get to know you more

to understand your silly antics and to engage in the stories you tell

so much to look forward to as we both grow together

as mother and son

but as I eagerly look forward I do not want to forget all that got us here

the healing of the heart that happened

before I was ever on the scene

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalms 147:3

7: and value others above yourselves

Why is it when you only have one pair of jeans to wear the messes flock to them?  Seriously.  I am trying to get a couple days wear out of them before I wash them--- but this has seemed almost impossible.

So far my 7 articles of clothing challenge is going well.  I have had a couple of times when I really wished I could wear something else.  One was when we went out for my birthday and the other was when we went to the concert.  I have only deviated from my list once, and that was to exchange my lt. grey sweatshirt for a heavy hoodie b/c it was raining and I thought I might need it to stand in line at the concert.

More then missing my clothes I am missing my hats and jewelry.  I like accessories.  I don't have a lot of jewelry but the pieces I do have I love.  Many are from different parts of the world and I love them.  I am actually surprised that I miss wearing them because I would not of thought of myself as someone who likes jewelry.

I'm still striving to find a balance with all this materialism here, but I am getting closer.  I bought a couple new spring couch pillows on clearance at Wal-mart the other day and I didn't cry about it.  I did think about it, though.  I did have a flag that this was a "wanted" item, not a needed item.  I am enjoying my pillows and the little bit of spring they bring to the living room.  I have two garbage bags of clothes I am giving to friends so as the new things come in, I feel good to get rid of a few others.

I wore my mis-matched flip-flops yesterday.  They got a lot of questions from my kids and family.  "Did you know you were wearing two different flip-flops?"  I then got to explain that they were to remind me to pray for the DRC and I told them about all the times we would be driving through Kinshasa and see kids with mis-matched shoes.

I feel like I am learning.... slowly... but learning that I don't have to be guilty for the way I live as long as I accept the responsibility that I have been given much so that I can give more.  Does that make sense?  I also feel that that this experiment against excess is showing that I am more worldly then I ever realized and that there is still sections of my life that can be reevaluated so I can give more.  I am not just talking about money, but my time as well.

I have found that in general I am a very selfish person.  But what bothers me the most is I am teaching my kids to be that way as well when I focus so much on them, our little family, and our little life.  I keep going back to the verse God laid on my heart for this year... "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." 

It is easy to say, yes, I do value others.  I am a very caring person.  It is the "not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others" that proves a challenge to me.  I simply like to do what interests me.  It shows in our actions and how we spend our time.  It can quickly be evaluated by a simple question?  "What have I done for others this week?  today?  Have I sacrificed a bit of my time to be a blessing to someone else?"  Not just our neighbors, friends, and family but also to our husbands and children.  A mound of laundry is still taking up my entire living room because I intentionally chose to be present with my children.  It was a beautiful day and they needed me to be present in it - not inside cleaning away.  I heard about boats that could magically fly through the air due to the magic potion poured upon it and I tasted a delicious soup made of water, leaves, grass and other organic items that Zalen had made.  I learned about different kinds of monsters that live in my backyard and we threw a frisbee for awhile.  My interest was to catch up on my housework but if I would have completed all that was on my list, look at all I would of missed.

I am also humbled to share that project KaKa is already off to an amazing start.  My friend from college, Cassie, challenged her youth to help with this project.  I received a note from her that they have already raised over $200.  I was amazed!!!

 

And then a message from my friend Christie saying her daughter could not wait for the yard sale to start helping out and she posted this picture on facebook of E. collecting her change/money in her Congo jar (what a beautiful heart!!):

The children are setting the precedent for us adults.  Still hoping to raise $500 through our yard sale and donations for this project.  We are trying to nail down a date for it. 

A passion to follow Jesus & 7 articles of clothing

In one year... I have been turned inside out, upside down, and shook to my very core.  God has peeled off layer after layer through our adoption journey.  To be honest, after all that peeling, there isn't a whole lot left.

I'm not sure who I am anymore.  What I once wanted out of life seems meaningless.  So many layers gone, I feel exposed and vulnerable.  But more importantly I feel ready to grow.  I am ready for God to teach me.

I've been dealing with a lot of anger, frustration, & guilt since I have returned from the DRC.  I feel driven and passionate and when I try to express a small fraction of my heart it brings to the surface an ache that runs deep and whispers "what are you going to do about the "least of these".   I feel misunderstood.  I feel very lonely.  But most of the time I don't even know how to feel.  Now that Zalen is home it seems that everyone seems to assume that all the loose ends have been tied up and have marked the page ...And they lived Happily Ever After.  Of course they ask how he is doing - he is doing great.  I am the one not adjusting.  Actually I am scared to death that I will "adjust" and return to what was.   Someone finally opened a window in a conversation Sunday night after church for me to really be honest and share... and I found myself relieved to just admit to someone I was struggling.

The hardest part is that my very "REAL" and "INTENSE" experience is mine and no matter how many pictures/stories I share, no matter how passionately I try to share my testimony or share how God is opening my eyes....they still have to choose to connect to it.  For so many it is still "Just my story" and I am desperately trying to tell them "No, don't you see this is your story too, please join me... please help me help the least of these.  These children are REAL, they are God's children, and they are dying, they need homes, food, medicine, and education - they NEED you!"  Yes, Zalen is home, (thank you to everyone of you who helped get him home) but do you know how many I left behind?  How many faces I still pray for and dream of?  This story is far from being over.

Can I share a quote with you from Kisses from Katie  - an amazing book by Katie Davis about her ministry in Uganda.
  "Fear.  It's part of human nature, but it's not something we got from God.  Second Timothy 1:7 says: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."  When I imagine God creating each one of us and planting a purpose deep in our hearts, I never imagine that purpose being mediocrity.  While the Bible doesn't tell every person on earth specifically what his or her life's calling will be, it does include a lot of general direction:
   "You are to find me in the least of these." Yes.
   "You are to leave your earthly possessions and come follow me." Yes.
   "You are to go and make disciples of all nations." Yes.
   "You are to entertain strangers and lepers and tax collectors." Yes.
   "You are to show mercy." Yes.
   "You are to live a life of mediocrity and abundance, holding on tight to your comfortable lifestyle, 
     let you lose it." No.
 I don't think so.  "Mediocrity and abundance" aren't there.  However, mediocrity and abundance, comfort and ease, do seem to be safe choices for many people, myself included.  In stark contrast, leaving our possessions, following Jesus when we don't have a well-defined plan, and entertaining strangers -- well, that does sound a little scary.  But what if, just beyond that risk, just beyond the fear is a life better than anything we have ever imagined: life to the fullest."

  YES - I want to shout - IT IS BETTER--- Zalen and his smile and his fat full belly he shows me after about every meal is so worth traveling to one of the most dangerous countries in the world and emptying our savings.  I experienced it all last year, clinging to FAITH because that is all I had,  really relying on God's promise in his WORD, watching financial mountains crumble through ANSWERED prayer and the very hands and feet of his people.  But before that, I was the girl living in mediocrity and abundance and holding tight to my comfortable lifestyle - living in FEAR with unbelief that my God could actually use me for something bigger then myself. Please, I want to beg you - don't be that girl, that person.  There is so much MORE waiting for you.

But I am back now, here in America.  I feel the comfortableness trying to sway me in.  I feel the world enticing me into complacency that -you adopted, you've done enough, your back in America, now relax.  I am repulsed at how quickly that edges back in... how quickly it smothers the truth.  It is why I cried over an impulse to just grab a pack of gum in the check out line, not thinking twice about it.  It is why I cried on the way home from our "date night" after eating out and enjoying Starbucks.  I don't know where the balance is.

So here I am - hands open.  I want God to teach me, move me....  I was moved deeply by Jen Hatmaker's book 7: a mutiny against excess.  So for the next 7 months I am going to do a similar exercise.  I've prayed about this, talked to friends and Craig about it, and I know I need this.  I need it, not to make it some legalistic experience, but to enter into a time of fasting and sacrifice so God can continue to teach me and mold me.   I am desperate to know my place here and where that balance is.  So far I haven't been called to the mission field specifically and I don't even feel called to adopt again - which to tell you the truth I am kind of trying to push both those envelopes with God right now.  I do know that I need to tell my story and God wants me to keep being a voice for "the least of these".

My March challenge will be looking into my excess of clothing.  When I was in Africa, the kids at the orphanage were wearing thread bare, used clothing, usually the wrong size and some with holes in it.  Ohhh I think of pictures of Zalen at the orphanage before I got him and I am reminded of that pink fuzzy dress he wore as a shirt and I curse the person who donated that.  It would of been cute on a girl but Moise was captured wearing it many times.  :-)  Don't get me wrong they had fashion, just not the kind you would think of.  There was beautiful clothing, in bright fabrics, but usually those were not even sewn, just bought in yards and wrapped and tied around their waist.  Shoes if they were blessed to own a pair, were well worn.  I remember vividly the little boy wearing two different styles of flip-flops as we drove by on the road & a worker at the hotel that I wanted so badly to buy a new pair of plastic sandals for.  

I am not a fashion diva by no means.  My wardrobe is pretty basic.  But compared to most it is excessive.  I do shop at yard sales and thrift stores often.  I do buy new clothes once in awhile but ask my husband I usually shop and buy nothing.  In Amercian standards I probably spend very little in this area but the truth is there is still EXCESS in my closet.  Do I really need that many pair of shoes?  (a lot of them are flip-flops)

 7 articles of clothing

1.   Hear the Cry" adoption T-shirt
2.   One pair of Jeans (still debating which pair)
3.   Gray yoga type pants
4.   Plain Black Long-sleeved shirt (layer)
5.   Cali t-shirt 
6.   Lt. gray jacket--if it gets cold again I may freeze
7.   Shoes: Tennis Shoes & one pair of mis-matched flip-flops.

Also with each month I am going to focus on a certain country, praying for them & a project.   This month, because I am desperately trying to stay close to my experience there, I am focusing on the DRC.  My project is to raise money for the school in Ka Ka that I visited.  My small group is already in cahoots with me to host a multi-family garage sale (inspired by the 7: project that Jenn is doing as a result of her book) and all proceeds from this will go to this school.  This is deeply personal as the last words the director of the orphanage told me were a desperate plea to tell the people in America she needed help to provide these children with an education.  Education is so important to break the cycle of poverty in this country.

My trip to KaKa Orphanage was one of the most heartbreaking trips I took - but it was also the place where I felt there was so much hope and potential.  Right now the agency I worked through with my adoption - Wasatch, is raising $$ to build walls and a roof for a school near the orphanage.  School supplies have already been pledged to be taken care of once this school is completed.  This school is functioning but with no roof and no walls.

Here is the link to my personal album of my visit to KaKa.  Ka Ka Oprhange Pictures.

 

Total Project Goal to raise: $6000.00 (updated)

Raised so far: $3000.00

My personal goal: $500.00

Cost for a piece of tin for the roof: $15.00

Will you please pray about how you can join me on this project?  Maybe you can host a yard sale yourself - (or help with ours) maybe you can send in $15.00 for a piece of tin for the roof - but know that every bit helps.  I will be collecting $$ from this project and then will send a check to the agency or if you feel more comfortable you can send the $$ directly to the agency.  My goal through the yard sale and you joining me in this project is to raise $500 for this.  God hasn't let me down yet and I know he will come through.  My husband keeps telling me I can't save the world -- well, I can be obedient to help with what God puts before me and encourage others to join me (and join others in doing what God is putting before them) and we will help change lives together.

Katie Davis put it this way:

  "People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another.  And I've noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters.  They get excited over one smile.  They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound.  They aren't determined to revolutionzie the world all at once; they're satisfied with small changes.  Over time, though, the small changes add up.  Sometimes they even transform cities and nation, and yes, the world."

So in a nutshell: I want to follow Jesus and make a difference!!

Donations can be sent directly to:

Wasatch, 1140 36th Street #204, Ogden, Utah 84403 - please memo School for KaKa

If you do send your donation directly will you e-mail me privately at fullertessy@yahoo.com 

just so I can keep track of meeting our goal.

 

Zalen has been home 1 month!

Zalen Moise Fuller has been home for one month.  Unreal!
I was in the Congo, in Africa just a month ago.  Even more Unreal!

I am sitting here watching Zalen play blocks.  He is stacking one on top of the other making funny sounds through his tongue as he blows air in and out.  It has a certain rhythm to it as if it is helping him concentrate.  Now the super hero figurine "The Thing" enters the scene and destroys the whole structure with a blast of combat sounds.  He looks up at me, smiles and laughs looking for me to approve of his antics.  I beam him back a smile and he begins to rebuild.

Even though it has only been a month, I can't see my life without this precious boy.

He is such a sweet, sweet boy, full of hugs and kisses.  He is curious and figures out things quickly.  I found him in the living room the other day reflecting light through the window off the bottom of a peanut can.  He was laughing as he danced the reflection across the walls, ceiling, and our faces.  He loves to help and is independent.  He is used to taking care of himself and it shows.  He always put his dishes in the sink when he is done and shows me that he is full by pulling up his shirt and showing me his belly.  Each time he does this, it gets me, a tinge in the gut and I pray that I will never forget the blessing that in itself is.  A full belly. 

Our first month has went remarkably well.  I overflow, BURST with praise to God for this.  I know this isn't always the story when it comes to adjusting/attachment.  I have marveled time and time again over how he just seems to know that he belongs here.  Especially when he walked into the church like he owned the place, giving everyone high fives, hugs, and kisses. (He went to church after being home for only a week b/c he seemed to be doing so well and at that point we threw our cocooning plan out the window)  I know this is because God answered the plea, the cry of my heart that God would do a miracle in Zalen Moise's heart and prepare him for our family.  He certainly did that. 

We set high expectations from the beginning as far as behavior.  It was hard sometimes, because you want to some how make up for all he had went through.  It didn't seem "fair" on my mommy emotions to sit him in the corner and I fought the instinct to coddle him a lot.  It started in the hotel room in the DRC, where he would have a 20-30 minute melt down about once a day.  Usually over something trivial like turning off the light switch or getting into the food.  Once for biting.  The frustrations came out in biting a lot with Zalen in the beginning.  I believe drawing these lines that week set the tone for when we got home.  It was hard at times.  During one of the melt downs at the hotel a guy down the hall actually came out and asked me what was going on and if everything was ok.  Zalen was screaming at the top of his lungs at this point.  I smiled sweetly and said -- "Ohh that is just our son, he doesn't want to go to sleep.  So sorry, he will calm down in a bit."  After he returned to his room, I choked down a chunk of pride and asked God to comfort my heart and remind me that I wasn't after the approval of men.  Though I didn't ever feel directly judged, I carried this insecurity that someone would judge me on "What the heck are these white Americans think they are doing with this Congolese child!?"  So that moment brought it full force forward.  God whispered in my heart -- "My child, this is my plan for you, I will give you everything you need to fulfill it.  I am your measuring stick."  So thankful for God's whispers and I remember feeling peace knowing of all those praying us through it all. 

At home -- within a week the melt downs disappeared.  He is really stubborn so for awhile he would be in time out for awhile b/c he would pout and would not apologize.  SUPER STUBBORN.  Now a month later, he gets it.  He gets in trouble about as much as my other kids -- for doing kid type things.  I was so afraid about the whole sleeping issue - but he has slept in his own bed, through the night from day #1.  He shares a room with Ryan so I think this has helped - because he always has someone in there with him - just a top bunk away.  For the first week we would lay down with him for a little while and then go back to our beds.  The boy, once asleep, sleeps like a log, so this helped as well.  The second week, he was on his own.  He whimpered a bit for the first couple of days but then the whimpering stopped and now he is a pro.  One of my fav moments before bedtime was when I put footie pjs on him.  He thought they were so awesome.  2.5 weeks in, my heart oozed into a puddle of goo when he said the words back - Love You!

His first bath was a funny experience.  He was very unsure of it.  I put in some bubbles and toys and gave him a wash cloth.  I tried to show him he could play with the toys but he didn't get it.  He scrubbed himself efficiently, scrubbed the toys, and was ready to get out.  His second bath, after observing Ryan playing during his bath, Zalen did better and actually played for awhile with some of the bath toys.  I hear Pa Pa John's words often "It is a different planet."  Indeed it is.

So yes, all in all, Zalen is doing great.  A lot of people have asked me about food as it seems many have had issues with their adoptive child being quite picky once they are home.  The only thing this boy won't eat so far is peas.  Everything else I have cooked he inhales.

Finally a month later I really see him beginning to really bond with his siblings.  They all have loved him from the beginning, but there has been stages of growth for them.  First week: Super excited and they loved telling everyone about him, wanting to "show off" their new brother.  Second week: This is when the jealous stuff started rearing its head.  Mainly with the twins.  They were tired of Zalen getting so much attention and they weren't as fond of sharing mom and dad.  Ryan was being really mean to him during this time and it required some extra attention and talks from Craig and I.  I think out of everybody he has experienced this the most.

Avery is so funny with him, and so motherly. Her excessive hugs, kisses, and head rubbing simply drive Zalen nuts sometimes.  Aleigh has done amazing with all of it.  Many times stepping in when I need extra hands.  She is very patient with Zalen and mediates often to get them all playing/working together on a project/game.  By the end of week 2 or so, I noticed the kids excluding Zalen quite a bit when they played.  I was concerned and talked to the kids about it and they expressed their frustration mainly at the language barrier. (him just copying everything they did instead of playing with them)  I told them they needed to focus on what he can do, not on what he can't do.  I let them each come up with different activities that they could do with Zalen-- color, play ball, drive matchbox cards, play games like ring around the rosy, and building towers together with blocks.  I also emphasized their important role to help to teach him.  This has really helped that dynamic a lot.  They are playing together more regularly.  For example the other day they were playing on a merry-go-round thing outside.  Zalen wanted to play but was scared to sit up on it like the rest.  Instead of excluding him, one of them suggested he lay on it on his tummy and help push it.  SCORE!!  This week my praises have flowed watching this bonding happen.
  
He is picking up more English words everyday.  He parrots most anything you say.  We have worked on a lot of basic things - but recently done lessons, songs, flashcards on body parts.  He loves music and I use a lot of videos in teaching.  I will write a separate post on this.  He understands more then what he can speak.  I let him help me a lot in the kitchen or just hang out watching me when I am doing things.  It is so important to dialogue what I am doing as I do it.  So, many times I just pretend I am hosting my own show on the food network.  :-)  I have noticed being intentional about this has really helped him pick up a lot more English.  Instead of just zipping up his coat before we go - I make a mini lesson on what is a zipper, what it does and make him repeat - "Will you please zip up my coat?"  He is catching on.

So this is an update on Zalen and how is doing.  I will try to post soon about how I have dealt with everything personally since I have been home.

Zalen's Medical Results

I have asked many of you to pray for Zalen's medical results.  We finally got the call today and all the major infectious diseases he was tested for - it was negative.  PRAISE GOD!

He did have a few flags however -- one I was slightly expecting, the other one I knew, and the third I am praying will be short lived as his stress levels go down and he realizes he is home.

The first flag was the one I was slightly expecting which was a high lead level.  My friend's child who was adopted from the same orphanage had the same thing.  This is fairly normal with the environment that they were in so we will retest in a couple of months.

The second flag was the one I already knew from his previous medical results and that is he is anemic.  Once again something that hopefully will be helped with his new diet and a vitamin supplement.

The third flag is the biggest cause for concern - and that is he had an abnormally high thyroid reading.  This is very rare for children to have but could be caused by high amounts of stress.  He has went through some major stressful things even as well as he doing.  We are praying that this is the case and that in 2 months when we retest his levels will be back to normal.  If they turn out to still be high, it is likely he will have to regulate this with medicine his entire life.

I thank you for your prayers and I ask that you continue to lift him up in the next couple months, especially specifically about the thyroid issue.

I will leave you with a funny picture.... Ryan had a hood on his shirt with his vest and Zalen did not.  Zalen wanted a hood... so he decided to wear his vest like this...

Disengaged....but blessed, blessed, blessed!

I am back to "real" life but I still feel a little lost right now.  I feel very disengaged with the world around me.  I am finding it hard to share my experience with others which I find frustrating.  I know that I have put up some protective walls.  I remember when I returned from Ecuador and how when I shared passionately the people stared at you blankly.  They listened and cared but I soon realized they could not relate fully, they were not there.  This time it is ten times more personal.  All of this has little to do with Zalen Moise.  He is adjusting so well, it is crazy amazing and such a God thing.  It has to do with what I experienced, felt, saw, grieved -- how God wrenched my heart.  If I dare to be really honest...transparently bare.... I feel guilty.  Guilty for ignorance/blindness - guilty for years of overindulgence and selfishness - guilty for whining/complaining when I was abundantly blessed beyond measure - but mostly I feel guilty for coming back to all of this when so many have nothing. 

So for the most part I am really focusing on my blessings - enjoying all the firsts - and this has been a great distraction from dealing with the gnawing I feel inside after the day is done and the house is quiet.  Enjoying the blessings of my family and the gift God has given to us through the life of Zalen Moise.

Despite our weird "warm" winter we have been having - God did bless Zalen with his first snow and kept the temps reasonable so we could go play in it.  I had so much fun watching him make his first snow angel, first snowman, throw his first snowball and he loved sledding.

Many more firsts as Zalen met more of the family.  Thank you so much Tonya for the meal - it was such a blessing.  We barely got through the first week- surviving on peanut butter sandwiches and easy foods when we felt well enough to get off the couch.  Thankfully Craig did much better then me and was able to cook a bit so we didn't all starve.  Also thankful for my Dad, who grocery shopped for us and came over and cooked one evening when we both were spent.  It was such a blessing!  I had no idea that jet lag would hit me that hard and just adjusting with everything.  Thanks for just showing up and insisting because we were too sleep deprived/jet lagged and spacey to know we needed anything.

 
Plus it was sooo good to see Joel and Kinnly again -- Aunt Tessy missed them very much!! 

Then last night Uncle Lee and Aunt Tabitha came for a visit.  Horsie rides and crazy games... they had a blast with Uncle Lee but we seen some jealous reactions from the twins having to share him.

Zalen's first Sunday at church.  It was a great day and he walked in like he owned the place - giving everyone high fives, hugs, and kisses.  His reserved shy demeanor we experienced in the DRC when going out was long gone.  I was astounded by his confidence and I knew in my heart God had miraculously prepared his heart to know that he was finally home and with people who loved him.

 

 

Loved all blue shirts :-)  My church family was an incredible blessing in our adoption journey.  I am pretty sure Zalen thought he was a celebrity when he walked in - at last he sure acted like it.  When I asked someone where he went they laughed and said "Oh, I think he is in there signing autographs."  Thanks for the amazing "Welcome Home" church family.

Finally, FINALLY feeling a bit better toward the end of week #2 home... we decided to take advantage of the warm weather, get out of the house and go eat lunch at the park.

 Zalen's first subway sandwich.  Sandwiches have been strange to him.  It took us several tries before we got him to eat the entire thing without picking it apart. 

 

Ma ma - I am not sure about this.......

 

Ok, that was pretty fun! 

 

He was the same way with the swings - unsure about them at first but then liked them.

You couldn't push him too high though or he would freak out.

His favorite was the merry-go-round I think...

I may have missed out on many of his "firsts" as a baby - and the first years of his life... but these firsts he is experiencing here are making up for that a bit.  Last night he was so infatuated with his footie pj's it was adorable.

So all in all, Zalen is adjusting so well and is a perfect fit for our little family.  Me, well I am not sure.  Just continuing to try to sort through a lot and not miss the blessings in front of me.