Disengaged....but blessed, blessed, blessed!

I am back to "real" life but I still feel a little lost right now.  I feel very disengaged with the world around me.  I am finding it hard to share my experience with others which I find frustrating.  I know that I have put up some protective walls.  I remember when I returned from Ecuador and how when I shared passionately the people stared at you blankly.  They listened and cared but I soon realized they could not relate fully, they were not there.  This time it is ten times more personal.  All of this has little to do with Zalen Moise.  He is adjusting so well, it is crazy amazing and such a God thing.  It has to do with what I experienced, felt, saw, grieved -- how God wrenched my heart.  If I dare to be really honest...transparently bare.... I feel guilty.  Guilty for ignorance/blindness - guilty for years of overindulgence and selfishness - guilty for whining/complaining when I was abundantly blessed beyond measure - but mostly I feel guilty for coming back to all of this when so many have nothing. 

So for the most part I am really focusing on my blessings - enjoying all the firsts - and this has been a great distraction from dealing with the gnawing I feel inside after the day is done and the house is quiet.  Enjoying the blessings of my family and the gift God has given to us through the life of Zalen Moise.

Despite our weird "warm" winter we have been having - God did bless Zalen with his first snow and kept the temps reasonable so we could go play in it.  I had so much fun watching him make his first snow angel, first snowman, throw his first snowball and he loved sledding.

Many more firsts as Zalen met more of the family.  Thank you so much Tonya for the meal - it was such a blessing.  We barely got through the first week- surviving on peanut butter sandwiches and easy foods when we felt well enough to get off the couch.  Thankfully Craig did much better then me and was able to cook a bit so we didn't all starve.  Also thankful for my Dad, who grocery shopped for us and came over and cooked one evening when we both were spent.  It was such a blessing!  I had no idea that jet lag would hit me that hard and just adjusting with everything.  Thanks for just showing up and insisting because we were too sleep deprived/jet lagged and spacey to know we needed anything.

 
Plus it was sooo good to see Joel and Kinnly again -- Aunt Tessy missed them very much!! 

Then last night Uncle Lee and Aunt Tabitha came for a visit.  Horsie rides and crazy games... they had a blast with Uncle Lee but we seen some jealous reactions from the twins having to share him.

Zalen's first Sunday at church.  It was a great day and he walked in like he owned the place - giving everyone high fives, hugs, and kisses.  His reserved shy demeanor we experienced in the DRC when going out was long gone.  I was astounded by his confidence and I knew in my heart God had miraculously prepared his heart to know that he was finally home and with people who loved him.

 

 

Loved all blue shirts :-)  My church family was an incredible blessing in our adoption journey.  I am pretty sure Zalen thought he was a celebrity when he walked in - at last he sure acted like it.  When I asked someone where he went they laughed and said "Oh, I think he is in there signing autographs."  Thanks for the amazing "Welcome Home" church family.

Finally, FINALLY feeling a bit better toward the end of week #2 home... we decided to take advantage of the warm weather, get out of the house and go eat lunch at the park.

 Zalen's first subway sandwich.  Sandwiches have been strange to him.  It took us several tries before we got him to eat the entire thing without picking it apart. 

 

Ma ma - I am not sure about this.......

 

Ok, that was pretty fun! 

 

He was the same way with the swings - unsure about them at first but then liked them.

You couldn't push him too high though or he would freak out.

His favorite was the merry-go-round I think...

I may have missed out on many of his "firsts" as a baby - and the first years of his life... but these firsts he is experiencing here are making up for that a bit.  Last night he was so infatuated with his footie pj's it was adorable.

So all in all, Zalen is adjusting so well and is a perfect fit for our little family.  Me, well I am not sure.  Just continuing to try to sort through a lot and not miss the blessings in front of me.