I think of a friend's timely words and prayer in a message this week encouraging me to keep going, sharing my passion, even if it was lonely at times.
7: experiment is still going on. I actually smell a little right now.. my T-shirt and jeans worn two days in a row. I forgot last night to wash my other outfit. Somehow I am finding a strange comfort in that I smell a bit. You just have to know me and my previous issue with my clothes smelling fresh. This is a challenge. I have whined a bit lately because the weather getting so warm - means others are pulling out shorts and spring clothing. I am rolling up my jeans and gray yoga pants.
I am learning that I do indeed feel that I "deserve" much more then I deserve. I am learning that the more God messes up my world, the more lost I feel in the world I am in. But God keeps pushing me.. "Be a voice!"
No God, I argued, I want to give up... I can't, it is too hard, too lonely. Nobody understands it. Besides, I am too messed up to be a voice. I am so far from perfect. You see me at my worst, with all my struggles. Let someone else go this road, that is better at it.
My sermon notes on Sunday read:
"I AM A FAILURE"
underlined..underlined..underlined..underlined...
Then I escaped, before I made spectacle of myself in the pew. I went outside and cried out to God, why are you making my heart so broken?! James 4 came back to me which we had studied in Sunday School...
"Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies INTENSELY? vs. 6 But HE GIVES US MORE GRACE-- That is why Scripture says: "God opposed the proud but gives grace to the humble."
God saw through my facade. I still fought him on it. I had been convincing myself and trying to convince my husband that I was beginning to find the balance. I had stopped crying over going to Wal-Mart and even to prove it, and ignore the turmoil in my heart I didn't say a word about going out to eat on Sunday afternoon.
I some how started to try to justify that I could go on with my everyday just like I did before. Before God opened my eyes. Before orphans had names. Before I realized how selfish I was.
This morning God finally got through. When you fail, I give you more grace. Quit fighting all those around you, your issue is with me. The ache in your heart is the spirit that lives within me envying intensely because you are trying to be friends with the world. You can not serve two masters. I have only begun to show you what I need you to know... Keep seeking... Keep trusting....Keep praying..... Keep reading.....Keep Studying....but most of all Keep Being not just a voice, but my voice. I finally understood that this once again has little to do with me but has a lot to do with what God wants to do through me.
So, thinking about next month's 7: experiment against access is FOOD. I have been dreading this. I am giving up coffee. I have never given up coffee. Not even for lent. I will only be drinking water. Only water. For a month. I am already trying to justify my food options. That I couldn't possible do just 7 food choices, only Jenn Hatmaker could do that. :-) I keep making excuses that just giving up coffee should be enough. Then I feel God pricking my heart, I thought you wanted to sacrifice and fast? So trying to narrow down my food choices to seven.
I was very challenged by the following song to continue on, even if those around me think I've went loopy.
I don't think you're loopy, just a girl after God's heart. And that's beautiful!
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