Things not to pack: Expectations

If you have read my blog for a period of time, you will know that I think Jen Hatmaker rocks.  She writes transparently but also in a way that inspires me to take a deep look at a lot of "stuff" in my life.  Hence, the 7: experiment I have been doing from her book 7.  She wrote a post on her blog this week as she reflected being at the one year mark of having her kids home.  It is a must read.  It made me reflect on my own journey this far and spurred my husband and I into deep discussion on how different our experience was from hers.  I could identify with parts of her various stages yet our journey has been remarkably different. Yet, the comments showed that many had walked with her through a majority of it.  The one thing she nailed and that stood out to me the most was in her preface: "Of course, our story is not everyone’s story"

This is one truth that I think those in waiting need to realize.  That your experience will be unique because every child is unique.  To take it to another level, Your experience will be unique because you are unique.  I don't think I really got this concept until I was in-country.  You read all the books, you scour the forums and blogs for every bit of advice, from attachment to travel.  You are almost addicted to filing away this information in some what of an attempt to be "prepared" for this journey that lays before you.  Don't get me wrong, it is VERY important to educate yourself on adoption topics.  There is nothing wrong with asking for advice.  There in fact is something quite therapeutic in talking and sharing with others all the rampart thoughts running through your brain at all hours of the day & night.  Some advice will make your journey smoother - "Make sure you stop at the bathroom before you go through security" :-)  Yet please be aware that you can not formulate your experience by knowing enough. Does that make sense?

The best advice I received as I was trying to prepare myself to travel was from another adoptive mom, Alicia, that had traveled right before me.  She basically said, "Let your experience be your own experience, and leave your expectations at home."  

Maybe you get that, got that.  But I think I walked a fine line of not getting that.  I was so obsessed with gleaning from others experiences that I built up a bit of expectation of what my experience would be like.  Her wise words returned to me as we left the orphanage without our son the first day.  I had expected to take him back to the hotel.  Instead I held him, loved him, and left without him. (Rest assured, I got him back the next day)  Instead of freaking out, I walked away with peace in my heart as I surrendered the last of my expectations.  If I would of held onto those expectations, I could of created a very ugly scene in front of the other children at the orphanage.  

I think the same advice applies after the airport.  Advice is great as long as you have a fine print "No strings attached" policy to go along with it. False expectations are only setting yourself up for a world of hurts.  There are no guarantees in adoption. 

Jen described her different stages here:

• Pre-Stage: Waiting for Your Kiddo
• Stage 1: The First 4-6 Weeks (Honeymoon)
• Stage 2: Spaz Out (4-6 Weeks – 3-4 Months)
• Stage 3: Triage (4 Months – 8 Months)
• Stage 4: Rehab (8-12 Months)

 Read complete entry: The Truth About Adoption: One Year Later

Pre-stage spot on.  I read on to honeymoon.  Wait, Jen, you missed a few stages I think.  The in-country crazies where you had to draw boundaries with a child you barely knew. The time outs where he would scream like you were killing him in a brutal fashion.  He was so convincing that the hotel guest next door approached us concerned and ready to alert authorities until we explained we were adopting. The travel trauma where he repeatedly tried to bite my hand when I tried to keep his seat belt on. 

What about weeks 1-3?  I would need to section this one week by week:

• Week 1: Jet-Lagged & Loopy - I guess this would be our one week of honeymoon stage in a sense because we were all just head over heals loving him up.  He was doing great. 
• Week 2: Why am I still tired? and serious boundary drawing in the home
• Week 3: I'm not sharing my mom - Tales of Sibling Jealousy - Zalen is doing amazing and the others have lost it 

Around week 4 a new normal started to emerge and Zalen simply was doing amazing.  The most issues we had with him were probably week 2 and it was NOTHING compared to what we experienced in-country.  It was like we had a one week boot camp with him while others were happily bonding.  We did have a lot of good times with him as well in-country.  By the end of the week the fits were tapering down.

I read on to the "Spaz Out" stage.  I read on with wonder.  No food issues.  He eats everything.  No sleep issues - we slept in his room the first night, he did great.  The next night he slept by himself & slept like a log all night.  I watch for grieving, always on the alert.  The only grieving I have seen is when he doesn't get seconds at dinner.  In fact, at this point, the only person grieving was me.  I was grieving my experience in the DRC and finding it hard to focus on the present.  Zalen was thriving and mommy felt part of her heart was ripped out.  I didn't even really understand what was happening to me.  I am so thankful for Mama Julia who talked with me over an hour and reassured me this was very normal.  I have tried to write a post on this experience as well but the words are still stuck somewhere.

The truth is we just haven't really experienced the spaz out and triage experience.  I almost feel guilty saying that.  I do feel guilty saying that, if it might be a slap in the face to those who are there, who have been there.  In fact right now I am praying and e-mailing an adoptive mom who has faced those experiences deeply and in a way she never knew she would.  Nothing has turned out as she hoped for and I am grieving with her.  It was not at all what she expected.  I think she is brave and amazing, just for the record.  Her words niggled into my heart deep as I read her last e-mail: "Hug your little Zalen for us and don't take for granted how "well" he's adjusted."  I won't.  I promise.

As an adoptive community it is so important to be ok that our stories are different.  Those struggling through the spaz out/grieving stages, don't hide.  I may not have experienced what you are going through, but my prayers are not effective if I don't know how to pray.  I won't pretend to know what you are going through, but I will go through it with you.  I pray you won't be offended by my posts that share that things are going well.  I'm not competing and I am not against you.  I just have a different story.   

I am not sure what your story is... what your story will be.. how it will be wrote.  I'm not sure how our story will play out - maybe I will still experience what Jen and others have.  Wherever you are on your journey, take a bit of wisdom with you from this post as you travel on... the best advice I received:
  "Just go with the flow, have NO expectations EVER"

Even with all the uncertainties in adoption, there is one thing you can count on - your experience will be unique.