I read a lot of books and blogs and did my best to prepare myself for what may lay ahead. I tried to wrap my mind around all the "adoption talk" and go in with realistic expectations. I drank up adoption blogs and tucked away nuggets of wisdom from those who had traveled the road before me. I am thankful I did. I have turned to that advice often. I also prayed and asked that God would give me the wisdom I needed to parent this child. The stark naked truth is this, no amount of mental preparation can protect the heart from the rawness that experience brings. The matters of the soul and heart can not be dictated by such boundaries.
I experienced so much in each stage of our adoption. Each stage is part of the process and I would never undermine the lessons learned during each one. God understands the heart and realizes our fleshly limits. Yet, I can honestly say it has been in the last two years that I've learned the most. Upon returning home with Zalen, I began to navigate the unknown and so many times I felt utterly alone. For me, it is where the sifting for "True Grit" began.
Yes, that quote is from an old John Wayne movie that was recently redone called "True Grit". I am not a big fan of westerns but my husband is, so once in awhile I get roped in (get the pun? ba ha ha) to watching them. If you haven't watched the movie this quote comes from a young courageous girl that is looking for a man with "True Grit" to avenge her father's death. Now exactly what this "true grit" encompasses is defined by the viewer in this story, but here is one way that is is defined:
The truth is I couldn't disagree more. My definition of "True Grit" has nothing to do with being courageous. It has everything to do with being empty, yielded, available, vulnerable.... To me grit happens by being persistent through the hard over and over. It is produced by hitting rock bottom over and over again, and still getting back up to fight again.
Grit develops in loving despite the cost and I am not talking financial here. I am talking about each individual in the family - mom, dad, brother, sister - that says we are in this for the long haul. To the family who commits to love a child that may not know how to love back. To the family that says no in order to say yes. I am talking about the unwavering commitment of continued self denial. I witnessed "true grit" as Aleigh, Avery and Ryan willingly denied themselves to make room for one more. It wasn't always easy for them but they did it. In the praying, the waiting, the arrival, and even now. I have watched them stand up for their brother in ways that bring me to tears.
Adoption does not require "unyielding courage" it requires being completed surrendered. That is where legit grit begins. It begins when you stop saying, "I can't because ________" and you say "I'm listening and available." It isn't a quest that ends in completion, but a beginning to a life altering journey. A journey that tells you more of who you are not, then who you are.
Through the past year and half I feel God has been teaching me a lot about true grit of the surrendering kind. I have hit rock bottom more times then I can count, feeling like a complete failure. I shared a bit of my struggles in this post: "You ain't no leading lady" It was a hard post to write because I felt so ashamed that I ever felt that way. That I was tired of fighting. That I wasn't sure if I was cut out for all of this. I didn't even have the courage to write it until I talked with a friend of mine who was feeling so much of the same thing. We both up to the point had suffered in silence.
In my desperation for answers I came across this book: "A Place I Didn't Belong - Hope for Adoptive Moms" by Paula Freeman. It really helped me to navigate a lot of the emotions that I had been harboring. I didn't even really "get" some of those emotions until I read through this book. All I knew was that I was struggling and I thought that if I hit rock bottom one more time I was never going to get back up. I felt so misunderstood and it was such a sensitive topic it was just hard to talk about. I welcomed the book, because it was more of a guide that encouraged me then pages full of judgement. The back of the book reads: "This book is a gracious invitation to emotional healing and spiritual renewal that assures us we can be OK when our kids are not!" That was so what I needed.
All I am saying is that the process of developing "true grit" leaves it mark. Just because we acknowledge it and feel it doesn't mean we failed. It just means that this part of the journey has left us a bit wounded. A bit tired. I hope in writing this I have encouraged your heart to get back up again and keep fighting. I hope I have given you a resource to help you through this "season". That is why I remain passionate to keep this blog going, because the journey of faith continues and I am not sure what is around the bend. I am sure that I don't want to go it alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment