Zalen - 12 months of adoption, almost (Mom's Reflective Glimpse)

One year post-placement with case worker has been scheduled.  One year GOTCHA DAY celebration is quickly approaching.  I seriously can't believe it.  Our trip to Congo seems so far away, yet so close to my heart.

Being the end of the year I just feel especially reflective...  Of all that 2012 has held for our family.  How adoption has changed and blessed our lives.. the awesome times and the hard ones.  12 months of Christmas - what about the 12 months (almost) of being an adoptive mom?

Month 1: Exhaustion/Excitement - Jet lag sucks but watching Zalen meet family/friends were pure JOY kinda of moments. The first month was full of rejoicing as everyone met Zalen.  It was full of tender moments as God knit us together, teaching each of us a new way to love.  Bringing a 3 year old home is very different then bringing your baby home.  I rejoiced at how Zalen just fit within the family.  Yes, there were adjustments but I was amazed at how well we meshed and stood once again amazed at how God works in all the details.  There were also amazing moments where friends and family got to meet him.  Some expecting a shy, withdrawn child were stunned when Zalen beamed his contagious smile, wrapped them up in a hug and received them with a warm accented "Hallo!"

 

 

 

Month 2: Mama has Emotional Breakdown - Zalen was doing great and I was a big mess.  I wrote on my blog: I'm not sure who I am anymore.  What I once wanted out of life seems meaningless.  So many layers gone, I feel exposed and vulnerable.  But more importantly I feel ready to grow.  I am ready for God to teach me.  The experiences of my time in the DRC started to filter into my dreams, children's faces; the pleading eyes of Philemon asking us to be a voice, to not forget; the man at the restaurant who asked us to take his brother's son home..... I ached for Africa.

 

Zalen gets over his fear of animals after petting a baby lamb.  He moved up to being ok with Shay and then a horse.

Learned he really liked Play-Doh :-)  Specially edible peanut butter kind.

Month 3: Confusion/Grieving: I threw myself into my 7 challenge which I had already pledged to do before I even left.  It may sound crazy, but the 7 challenge against excess was an act of confession and cleansing that my soul deeply needed.  With each phase I asked God to forgive me for my excess and begged Him to help me understand why He ripped out a place in my heart and then sent me back home.  I tried to excuse the emotions and find some sort of "normal" again.  I am shamed to say that when that "normal" did not happen... I got angry.  I got sad.  I was just all over the map.  I longed for people to understand where I was, how I felt. I didn't get why they didn't understand the urgency I felt in my heart that WE HAVE TO CHANGE - WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP.  I started to really get angry at the complacency of people, the church, and if I am frankly honest walked a fine line of being self-righteous.  Don't worry Jesus is always quick to knock me off my high horse.  He swiftly reminded me that I was the same way before my own adoption journey, before He opened my eyes.  Once knocked off, I was just sad.  I was more then sad.  I was grieving.  Grieving that people around me thought the story was over because Zalen was home.  The story isn't over, I wanted to shout, Do you know how many I left behind?

St. Patrick's Day

Month 4: Finding my place after the airport - I had read up and prepared for Zalen's grieving, but not my own.  So month 4 was all about finding my place after the airport.

Easter Sunday

 What do you do when your heart is a continent away?

• You stare at your son you only brought home a few months ago and savor the miracle... wanting more of that.. desperate dependency upon God that you had during the adoption process
• You wonder how you can do with less, so others can have more
• You really question how you will be celebrating Easter this year....
• You fight with God over your complacency for what He wants you to do here, right now
• But most importantly, you keep the promise, to be a voice, and to tell America that they need help
• You keep reading this quote over and over:  "People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another.  And I've noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters.  They get excited over one smile.  They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound.  They aren't determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they're satisfied with small changes.  Over time, though, the small changes add up.  Sometimes they even transform cities and nation, and yes, the world." Katie Davis, author of Kisses from Katie
• You begin raising $$ for mosquito nets and Kaka School

Month 5: A bit of new normal settles in  Start being me again -- emotions start to even out.  I begin to find my place.  I realize I can continue to be a voice and make small changes.  I even start to mellow out a bit and have some fun... going to some concerts with friends.

Zalen continues to GROW, GROW, GROW and we celebrate his 4th b-day.

Month 6: Remembering & Rest  I hit month 6 and realized I needed rest.  June just happened to be my 7: experiment to fast from media.  Perfect timing.  I also continued to raise $$ for the Kaka School and organized the yard sale which went amazingly well.  I kicked back a lot and we went on vacation.  We also met up with adoptive families who we were in-country with.  It was so good to share and remember and meet the rest of the children as well.  We also had met up with some CBC friends right before this.  It was exactly what I needed.. family time and time spent with friends who understood very well the last 6 months of adjusting.

Meeting up with good friends :-)

Month 7 & 8: Summer flys by  I would need my down time as I went into July/August.  It was a busy summer and I did pictures for two weddings and my nephew's senior pictures.  I read a lot of books and kept on pace with my Bible reading.  Summer winds down and we start a new routine.  Zalen and I begin school together and life is busy but good.

Zalen with his siblings and cousins

Month 9: Routine disrupted by grieving  Month 9 was a hard month.  Zalen started to really act out with me at home.  He also started having issues listening at church in his Sunday School class and in Children's Church.  He would have good days but then he would have really rough days.  School started to be an issue b/c he was not cooperating during our lesson time.  It all started when I went away to Woman's Retreat for a weekend.  I came back and it was like he was really, really mad at me.  I had been gone before this for youth group trips so not sure why this particular trip was a trigger but it was. 

Month 10: Self Doubt  When you hit the hard stuff and you are not sure what is going on... you may be tempted to have pity party and eat your "I am a terrible mom" cake.  Don't do it.  Between trying to figure out what was going on with Zalen and being down and out with some horrible sickness (kids then me)... I got to the point where I just didn't think I could do it anymore. (I'm a bit of a drama queen)  However, please do talk with your husband and admit honestly about how you feel like you are a failure.. he will give you much needed perspective.  If you don't have a husband, talk to a friend.  Don't face it alone.  You will realize just because the last few months haven't been as picture perfect as those first ones that you are still making a difference.  When your feelings don't match up with what you know your heart really feels give it some time.  Realize you can't always keep it together, and that is ok.  You can ask for help and you must realize somethings are not in your control.

That brings us here... 11 months home! My sweet, happy, Zalen has returned.  He is full of life and today during church drew a really good letter E.  This was HUGE to me b/c our lesson time for the last month has been excruciating.  His missing two front teeth are starting to grow in (going to miss that gappy smile) and I am enjoying our first Christmas together.  His newest favorite word is "Cool!"  Everything is cool.  Pulling out all the Christmas decor - "Cool!"  Lately he has been returning my affection again.  It was killing me to be rejected.  I have relaxed a lot... trusting God with the places of his heart that I realize I may never understand.  It felt so good to turn that over to who it belonged.

I am looking forward to what this next year has in store.  His language getting better everyday and thinking of just having a real conversation with him is awesome.  Tonight when I tucked him into bed he told me that it was his stuffed monkey's birthday.  (We've been talking about our birthday party to Jesus we will do for Christmas Eve)  He then started giggling and said Monkey and Jesus's birthday.  Silly boy.  :-)

Wise Man/Sheep in the Christmas Play (You just had to have been there)

Putting on the first ornament on the Christmas tree

Challenge: Eat in & Help Goma

Matthew 25: 45
 “Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of the least of these, you did it unto Me.”

Quiet blog doesn't mean a quiet heart.  Sometimes there is just no words.

No words can describe the heartache I felt as the news reports came in about Goma.  Then the news that one of the little boys that I sponsor for school is missing (and the others in the program) - his family & many others had to flee for their lives due to the fighting.  They still have not been located or been able to return.  I am praying that with the news of the M23 rebels retreating they will be able to return home - but what will they return to?

 

Refugee camp in Goma

Under pressure from regional leaders, the rebels agreed to move 20 kilometers outside the city, to make way for peace negotiations with the Congolese government. But residents here, like Joseph Byabuze, said they do not think this is the end of M23 in Goma. “The movement we are seeing is leaving in military clothing,” he said. “But we are seeing them return in civilian clothes. -- from Congolese Rebels leave Goma article

Congo army troops have returned to Goma but the rebels lurk just a few miles outside of the city.

This is personal to me.  This is where Zalen is from.  This story could easily be a story about Zalen and his family living in the above pictured refugee camp.  It is not just a news story I can read and move on from.  It is a reality that the least of these are facing.  I can not turn away from them......

Mwangaza International is wanting to do something to help the people in Goma and you can help.  Around this time of year they normally have a Christmas campaign that ministers to around 100 children.  This year most of Goma and the children are displaced from their homes and barely surviving in a refugee camp so a Feed One campaign has been started.

You can help.  You can make a difference.  I can make a difference.  Will you join me?

“People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another. And I’ve noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren’t determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they’re satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world.”
    ― Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption

Please watch this video...






GOMA - 2012 from CATCHING MOTION FILMS on Vimeo.

Will you?
I am sending out a plea for help and a challenge.  Will you give up eating out for one meal and donate what you would of spent to help the people of Goma?!  Will you give up one thing on your Christmas list and instead spend it on something that matters - a life saved... hope given to a family that is returning to nothing.

I can read my advent devotionals and sing the Christmas songs.  I can decorate my house and enjoy the Christmas goodies.... but to truly celebrate Christmas we give back to Jesus.  We realize what Jesus gave up for us and it should compel us to action.  My most important gifts will be those that I give... that may make a difference in eternity.

If you want to give me a gift this Christmas, join with me in this cause.  Give to the least of these... Believe with me that small changes matter and that these individuals are God's children and extremely important and precious.  

 

The children that were sponsored through the "Send them to School" campaign back in Sept.

Continue to pray that we will soon hear news on these precious children!

Help me to reach my goal to raise $500 to help the families in Goma!  You can donate by clicking on the link below which will take you to my personal fundraising page.

http://www.stayclassy.org/fundraise?fcid=224279

 

Zalen 10 months: Interoceptive Sense?!

23rd came and went (I am still not sure where the entire month of November went?!) and I keep thinking I need to find time to blog.

Zalen loved Halloween and thought it was pretty amazing that you could just go door to door and people would give you candy.  Might be his favorite holiday?!  :-)  Although Thanksgiving would be a pretty close second I think.

We also had fun making a big leaf pile and jumping in it.  We painted and carved pumpkins.

Thanksgiving..... He loved, LOVED, loved the pumpkin pie.  

Zalen is doing well.  He is growing and learning.  His English continues to expand but he still has an accent and likes to throw in extra sounds.  His attention span is getting better which has been so helpful to me.  I have adapted how I do lesson time though, understanding better how he learns. 

10 months in and I am questioning a few areas where I feel he is very delayed in the "sensory" areas.  In some areas he has made leaps and bounds.  When he first came home he was very hypersensitive in his movements.  (Vestibular Processing)  He couldn't swing, leery of any type of height, couldn't jump, hated stairs, etc.... It is really pretty amazing to the progress he has made in these areas.  He still has issues getting dressed (takes him forever) and then he will almost always come out with something on backward or inside out.  Zippers and buttons are still major obstacles but he is trying really hard to conquer them.  I am sure this falls under the gross motor skills.  In about every other area Zalen is definitely sensory seeking.  His fingers are always in his mouth (drives me crazy :-), he is always wanting to wrestle/hug, he is constantly wanting to push/pull things (remember the monkey in the stroller picture) etc...  All things I have been aware of and expected.

However, in all my adoption reading I seemed to have missed out on the Internal Regulation (The Interoceptive Sense -- and this one is throwing up some flags.  Things that have flagged lately......

• His breathing always seems off - we will be sitting still and doing school and he sounds like he just ran across the yard.  We have had some crazy respiratory junk here and there so at first I thought it was that.  Not so sure anymore.
• He never sleeps with a blanket on (I thought this was an Africa thing) and I always thought it weird b/c in all other areas he is so sensory seeking.  He is also weird about wearing coats or knowing if he needs to or not.  Could be a temperature thing?!
• We are still struggling with bedwetting but it is almost always at night
• We still have to limit his eating/drinking

Just to say straight up - I hate labels.  I also think it is important to be educated and learn how I can help Zalen.  Some of the above fall into the scope of this Interoceptive Sense.  If anyone has any thoughts on this sensory subject would love your input. Here is an article I found very informative and a little less "termy" ----------> Self-Regulation: The Second Core Strength

Alrighty... can you believe in just a few months we will have Zalen home a full year?!

Just stir

I keep thinking of my previous post and Tresor's words

"My first Christmas in America, I was a little surprised to see the importance of "stuff" during holidays while where I came from "food" was what most hoped for."

My heart hurts at my excess.  Still it hurts.  Not as raw it did back in January when I was there looking into their eyes and seeing God's heartbeat in those dark brown orbs that searched my face for hope.  But it is still there.  The ache of who I left behind.

That ache hurts the most when I run into the inaction.  Either my own inaction or the general sense of inaction that seems to be gripping so many people and churches.  Emotions fester taking me to a lonely place where I feel misunderstood.  Where I am challenged beyond myself to find a purpose for why I don't belong?  Why my heart beats so differently?!  I struggle with a status quo I can't beat.  The inaction weighs heavy on my heart as I face an empty pew that used to hold those dear to me.  Bitterness creeps in that I weep alone on Orphan Sunday.  I grieve as I feel the rawness fade and pray God to rekindle it and help me to always remember to ACT.

"If Christians believe that God is in every person, why don't we act like that? Why do we turn our eyes from the poor, the widows, the orphans, and the prostitutes? Although prayer is necessary and helps bring comfort, it's not enough to truly alleviate suffering. God didn't send His Son to pray for us but rather to act for us. The only thing that upsets me more than downright evil acts are people who allow injustice to happen with their inaction. Jesus transformed God's message into action, and it should be our mission to devote our lives to similar action." -- Becky, antitrafficking activist in India (taken from Batterson, Mark (2009-03-30). Wild Goose Chase: Reclaim the Adventure of Pursuing God)

Why don't we ACT like that?  I can't get this question out of my mind. 

I am having one of those weeks.  A heart-wrenching, attached to the DRC by the heartstrings, kind of week. Yes, this normally happens when I know people that are in-country and I long to span the oceans and be there as well.  So many needs poured out in my path and I feel burdened.  I feel the sense of urgency in my spirit.  I am chasing God.  I know He is leading, but where?  I still have one project that sits before me clearly, yet still much more is in uncharted territory. 

Ohh the words of truth found in those lines.... "Jesus transformed God's message into ACTION" and how I am ready for that and scared all at the same time.  For since my return from the Congo I have not quit asking.. ok what next God?  However, lately I have allowed to be distracted and dissuaded as I battled in a place of fear and failure.  Why is my response always fear?  Or accepting failure from people who are not my judge?  Why do I always stammer out my weaknesses in lame attempts to some how dissuade God that He chose the wrong person?  For every time He counters my "I can't" with "Yeah, you can't but I certainly can through you" and well what do you do with that?  You have a choice run away, stay caged or submit and trust.

All those questions of my jumbled heart led me to this piercing question -- "When will we stand up and confess that our inaction is an insult to the very action that took Jesus to the cross?"

And then a second question, "How do we counter this inaction?"

I have identified with the stories of the prophets as I have been reading... Ezekial, Daniel, Hosea, Amos.... and attributes of their story deeply resonated with me.  Simply put.....they were stirrers.  They stirred up the people to repent, to listen, to obey, to find their passion of loving God again. Today as I was praying and wondering "what's next?".. God whispered...just keep stirring.

If you don't know me by now (does an old country song come to mind?) I have a deep desire to share my passion of loving orphans & the Congo with others, but get this, I am just as excited about helping others find their passion!  I just don't buy that people are inactive on purpose.  It eases into the crevices of comfort and complacency.  It hides in churches with a caged purpose.  No matter how it wriggles in we must battle it.    

I am currently battling with the passion thieves of this world.  Fear and circumstance come to mind but my issue lately is the ski-masked believers in the church that are looting the joy of others.  I truly believe their demise to robbery is the result of their own inaction.  Why in the world are people bent on thinking that their calling in life is to rain on peoples dreams, ministry, or God's plan for their families?!  In all honesty there is nothing that irks my noodle more then those naysayers... but I am beginning to understand that passion threatens the inaction.  Passion moves you past a place of compassion to action. There would be a lot less naysayers if we as Christians were choosing to put God's mission and message into action.  You see when you are "acting" you are so focused on following God that your focus isn't on what others are doing but on what God wants you to do. 

So here is the deal... I can't defeat the naysayers in my life, nor in my church.  I can pray for them to be stirred.  I can't control how I am perceived or misunderstood, but I can stay true to my passion despite the critics because the strength of Christ resides in me.  I can't make people crave loving orphans like I do but but I can keep sharing my story and opportunities that could lead to an addiction.  I can counter the inaction and joy stealing by simply being a stirrer.  Whether it cooks up to loving orphans, serving in the community, hosting a small group, taking dinner to a single mom, reading the Bible in a year, going on a mission trip, or sending cards of encouragement..(the possibilities are endless) -- know that God has a specific recipe of passion for you.  You just have to be willing to be stirred.  Sometimes the willing and wanting is not enough.  Sometimes we need a friend to give us a spoon and say "Just stir!"  I want to be that friend.

Are you tired of naysayers and the idleness that seem to be in the crevices of a lot of believers?  Well, it is time to start countering this by handing out some spoons.  Or maybe you are reading this and realize you need to stir your own pot.  Either way, will you join me and be a passion stirrer, in your own life or in the life of others?  Will you help to stop inaction in our own lives and in the lives of the others? 

Therefore I remind you that you stir up the gift of God, which is in you by the laying on of my hands. 2 Timothy 1:6

We need to lay some hands on some sisters, some brothers and get some passion stirring :-)  I need sisters and brothers to lay some hands on me to keep my passion stirring.  We need to pray up some passion and pray down some inaction.  No more complaining about the problem and playing woe is me... I have a new mission to hand out some spoons!

Here you go, you can have the first one... "Just stir!"

Guest Post: Holidays in the DRC

I am just honored to have  Trésor Yenyi guest posting on the blog today.  Please join me by giving him a warm welcome.  He has agreed to guest post once in awhile to help us learn more about the Democratic Republic of Congo.  His perspective is unique as he was born in Eastern Congo and now lives in the states.  He is founder of Mwangaza International and also wrote the eye-opening book: "Journey to the Heart of Darkness".

With the holidays approaching, I have been wondering how to include Zalen's culture into our American traditions so I wrote to Trésor for some insight.  So pull up a chair and we will learn a bit more about the holidays/traditions of the Democratic Republic of Congo.

A moment to remember...
"Do you celebrate Halloween?" or "What do you eat for Thanksgiving?" These are questions people often ask me when they want to know about holidays in the Democratic Republic of Congo.  Holidays are important milestones for a culture. A moment to remember the past and celebrate the joyful and painful moments of history. Each culture has in its own context dates that are important. Having adopted the Christian calendars, all major christian holidays are celebrated in Congo. There are slight differences on what they mean for a child. There are also holidays that are peculiar to the Congolese people.

CHRISTMAS

Growing up in Congo, we did not have a chance to always eat a decent meal, to have decent clothes or a good pair of shoes. Christmas or "Noel" as we call it, is for us that one time of the year when we expected and prayed for clothes, shoes and most of all a bottle of coke or fanta. Yes, you read right; soda is a luxury for many in DRC and its an important part of the Christmas meal. Chicken or any meat which are expensive in major cities are always something children expect to eat for Christmas. Parents do their best in December to offer a decent meal and clothes to their children. Some decorate their houses but that's not the most important for the children. Families get together and people visit each other  and make the day a special moment. Christmas is celebrated December 25 except for the Kimbaguist church which
account for about 10% of the Congolese population, their Christmas is May 25.

NEW YEAR

New Year or "Nouvel an" is another major celebration. People either wait for midnight at home or they go for an all night prayer at the church. Bars and pubs also make special arrangement for the celebration. Everyone tries to have the loudest music and at the midnight every one screams "Bonne annee!!!" with hope that the new year will bring more hope than the previous one.

EASTER

The strong Catholic influence makes Easter a very important holiday in the Congo. On Good Friday, thousands of catholics do the Via Dolorosa. Easter itself is more family oriented. Churches hold services then families share a meal at home. My family took that opportunity to visit cousins and friends we had not seen for a while or to go visit our relatives at the army camp.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

Our independence day June 30 is the most important celebration of the year. In each city a military parade is organized. the parade last for hours. When the military has completed its parade, civilians have theirs. The radio plays music from 1960 when congolese musicians wrote songs to immortalize the day of independence. Those who have TVs can watch documentaries about independence. Families get together, friends visit each other. The elderly tell stories to the younger generations.

PARENTS DAY

August 1st is another important date in the congo; It's parents day. There  is a twofold meaning to the day. In the morning families remember their loved ones who passed away. most people go to the cemetery with their children to remember those who are no longer there. the afternoon is dedicated to parents who are still alive. Children honor their parents with gifts if they can or just their presence. Parents usually tell stories of their youth or talk about grandparents who have gone to be with the Lord.

OTHER IMPORTANT DATES

Other dates are commemorated in DRC such as January 4th when we remember the martyrs of our independence. January 16 and 17, are dedicated to our national heroes Patrice Lumumba and Laurent Desire Kabila. This past decade has seen Valentine's day become very popular in major cities like Kinshasa and Lubumbashi. March 8, International women's day have become an important day in Congo. women take the opportunity to raise awareness about the situation of women in eastern congo. A parade is organized in each major city to celebrate Congolese women.

HOLIDAYS NOT CELEBRATED

To answer the two questions from the beginning...Congolese do not celebrate Halloween and Thanksgiving. 


In Conclusion:
   Family, friends and food are definitely the most important part of the celebrations. Parents do their best to make sure that regardless of the situation their children have at least a decent meal for the special day. Despite their effort, many parents are unable to feed their children on those special day. My first Christmas in America, I was a little surprised to see the importance of "stuff" during holidays while where I came from "food" was what most hoped for.

Thoughts from Tessy:  I don't know about you but not only did I learn from an unique perspective about holidays in the DRC I was also touched deeply to do something for the children this Christmas.  Trésor did not ask me to do this but I want to share with you a way you can bless some children in the Congo this Christmas.  Seems a small thing to do, buying a child a soda.  But I have seen first hand the smiles of delight a Fanta can bring and it wasn't no small thing.



Trésor will be taking a few teams to the Congo and will be delivering these gifts to the children in December.  You can donate by clicking the button above and it will take you to Mwangaza International home page. 

Trésor Yenyi was born in Eastern Congo in 1983 at the peak of Mobutu’s reign. Not realizing he was witnessing history in the making, he was helpless as he observed the country slide first into chaos, then into its grave—the victim of looting, war, and corruption. It was only after he immigrated to the United States that he realized the depth of the destruction that had occurred and began nurturing a strong desire to return to his native country to search for a cure for the disease from which Congo suffers. In his compelling travel narrative, Yenyi details his return trips to Congo, his subsequent charitable work, and the heartbreaking stories of the country’s victims of war. While providing the voiceless a chance to speak through him, Yenyi reveals the humanitarian challenges of Congo and combines his life experiences with journal entries—creating an introspective glimpse into a world where child soldiers, rape victims, street children, and AIDS orphans are the realities of life. Trésor Yenyi has a dream—that the troubled land of his ancestors will find peace once again. It is with this great hope for the future of his homeland that Yenyi remembers Congo’s forgotten.

To purchase Journey to the Heart of Darkness click here -----------> Buy Book!

Zalen: 9 months

I am not sure where to start for this monthly update.  This last month has been a challenge.  I do believe we experienced our first "grieving" with Zalen.  It was triggered when I left for two days to go to Woman's Retreat.  When I returned home... well he was just mad at me.  I had a lot of long talks with him and he seemed to do better.  Then he started acting out not only at home but also at church.  He is now very leery about me leaving.

The weird part is, I have been gone before with no issues.  So, I was really trying to figure why this time it triggered the behavior.  The only thing I can come up with is a good thing.  He is attached to his mommy.  :-)  Since the twins started school, Zalen gets lots of time with me.  He only has to share with Kinnly.  My attention when he first came home was always divided.  As communication between us improves... I was also able to decipher that he didn't like me being gone because he didn't get to have school.  He is very attached to our routine and does not like when it changes.

Thankfully, he seems to have gotten over being mad at me, but we have had issues still (off and on) with me leaving.  At times he watches me out the window as I back out pouting and crying.  Talk about breaking a mommy's heartstrings.  The issues of not listening at church are also still a factor.  He seems to be just pushing the limits of authority figures in general.  This issue is only with me.  Craig leaves everyday to go to work and we have had not issue.  Difference, that is part of the routine and mommy being gone is not.

We are just taking it one day at a time.  Thankfully, the initial anger was short lived.  It is so h.a.r.d. not to take his behavior personal.  I know I must not -- but I just wish we were able to talk some of this out.  I hate that his heart maybe hurting and he just doesn't know how to express it any other way.  He is doing better at home now, but is still having issues in Sunday School and Children's Church.

On the bright side we are starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel in language skills.  His English is getting better and better everyday.  He is also starting to mix up his English in cute little ways as he learns.  :-)  I will have do another learning post soon.

Also the dude is growing like CRAZ-EE.  See the difference 9 months can make.  He is filling out and this dude is solid.  He has mean upper cut so watch it when you are play fighting.  He loves to wrestle with his dad.

 

We finally got in some fall fun and went to the pumpkin patch.  We went on a "haunted" hay ride.  I thought Zalen would freak out more but he did really good.  One guy did sneak up on him pretty good and scare him though because he was watching the ghost behind us and not the guy right beside. It was funny!  We picked out our pumpkins and hope to get them carved some time this week.  I love the top middle picture because it captures his "ornery and I know I am a cute little stinker" face. 

I think the highlight for Zalen this last month was dancing at his cousin's wedding.  He threw a fit when I made him get off the dance floor because they were tossing the bouquet.  He did not understand that it was only girls allowed at that time.  He loves to dance.  Here is a picture of him and his girl, Sam.  :-)

   

Still emptying....

i'm just not the same person.

• my passions. my heart. my focus.
  i have been so blind.
  self-centered - lost - focused on everything and anything that didn't matter
  and totally aloof to what did
  
  i thought i had it all wrapped up
  in a nice box with a bow
  all i ever dreamed of and more
  really i did
  a loving husband - beautiful children
  a home - food - shelter
  hobbies and friends
  the "american dream" *throws head back in outrageous laughter*
  
  then i started to pray a dangerous prayer
  for God to empty me of myself
  and fill me with Him.
  
  i surrendered and said i wanted more.
  even in my fear, my doubts
  He answered.
  
  when He opens your eyes
  be warned - it hurts, it compels, it questions
  it probes, it challenges
  e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g
  
  "I am losing patience with a world so indifferent that they can stand by and allow 12 million of God's souls to walk aimlessly through the desert." - Jim Copple about the drought in Kenya
  
  i am also losing patience to indifference
  i just don't fit in anymore
  they look at me strangely
  they live dimly
  i will not go back
  
  Jesus said to be a LIGHT
  you can't be a light if you're not burning
  you laugh at the passage about hiding the light under a bowl
  that is you
  that is me
  because your too... what
  what exactly is your EXCUSE?
  you have the unfair advantage!!
  God said you did.
  But you won't believe..
  won't believe..
  
  complacency robs
  ministry dies
  
  if your life is not about saving people
  you have no life
  no purpose
  
  your excuses STINK
  how does the Bible put it?
  like a dog returning to eat his vomit?!
  harsh.. so harsh.. so judging you want to say
  say it
  go ahead
  who said I was talking about you?
  
  i don't know how to be me anymore
  i need more
  i'm hungry
  desperately hungry
  desperately seeking
  
  a stranger stares back
  but I pray desperately
  that He sees
  a lump of clay