Attempting to understand my Addiction...

Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean;
remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes;
cease to do evil,learn to do good;
seek justice,
correct oppression;
bring justice to the fatherless,
plead the widow's cause. 

I was struck deeply by the above verses in my Bible reading today.  When I feel lost in this world, which I have been feeling A LOT lately, I find myself drenching myself in scripture trying to find direction.  Trying to find Him, among all this.  

Just a bit of background to the time that Isaiah was writing this:

 "Isaiah ministered at a time when both Israel, under Jeroboam II, and Judah, under Hezekiah, had reached their zenith of prosperity and political power. Yet the seeds of destruction had germinated and almost reached maturity in both nations in the form of idolatry and its attendant vices, personal immorality and political corruption."

I found myself asking after reading the above statement, "Are you sure your talking about Israel and not the United States?"  I won't dwell there but it seems the "mess" has been front and center due to it being an election year and my heart hurts in a lot of areas where our nation is headed. 

My point is that in the very first chapter -- God is telling the people how to get back on track, how to find Him among this mess they had created.  Right before these verses it says..

  15  When you spread out your hands,
I will hide my eyes from you;
even though you make many prayers,
I will not listen;

Stay with me, all of this has to do with my "mess" and my addiction...

What a sobering thought?  That the people had strayed so far that God could not tolerate them or their prayers.  Even more sobering and this is a modern day Tessy translation but it seems to me God says to the people...

You want me to hear you....  You want me to see you and respond to your prayers....  You want to feel my presence.  Then you need to get IT people.  I don't want your church attendance.  I don't want your tithes.  I don't want your programs and forced worship.  I know when you are just playing church.  It shows by your lack of action!  So wash up and get over your self absorbed lives.  It is time to do GOOD.  What good!?  What fruit do I long for you to bear?  What can you do to match my heart beat?  Seek Justice.  Open your eyes to the oppressed and when your eyes are opened don't ignore it - CORRECT it.  Start loving the orphans and widows as you say you love me --- and then I will find you, see you, restore you.  

 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: 

to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep 

oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

I have read that verse in James so many times but after reading in Isaiah something hit me hard.  A piece of the puzzle fell into place.  For the first time I realized the source of my addiction.

I call it an addiction because it is.  I crave loving orphans.  Something changed in my heart as I held those beautiful children.  Some travel and are shocked by the poverty and conditions, but I was expecting that.  What moved me and stripped me (and what I was not expecting) was that up to that point I had done nothing about it.  I was polluted by the world.  I was shocked by my own selfish, evil, self absorbed life.  Evil, really?  Aren't you being over dramatic?  No, I am not according to the above verses in Isaiah.  It is the exact word that fits.  Anyone else tired of candy coating sin?

9 months since my trip to Congo, and I am just now beginning to grasp the cleansing that took place. Maybe I wasn't ready for the truth of it all until now.  The washing of so much self.  It was only because of that cleansing that I experienced some of the most pure moments of my life time with my God.   As I looked into the hopeless, fevered & sunken eyes and whispered in Lingala (yó ozalí kitoko) to a child that they were beautiful, coaxing a weak smile, I felt His unpolluted love rage through my veins.  I had felt His love before many times, but not like I did when I was there seeking to be His hands, His feet.

It explains my drive and addiction to continue to help since I have arrived home.  The yard sale for the school at Kaka, raising money for mosquito nets, & the school sponsorship campaign.  I'm looking for my next fix.  In those small, small, things of just being a voice and sharing.... my love for orphans mirrors God's love for them.  The more I give, the more I fight for the oppressed the more I see how He sees.  The closer I get to Him.  Do you understand?!  

I can't stop.  I'm addicted.  I'm addicted because I was that orphan.  I was the pigeon-toed, mop of tangled curls girl who hated who she was.  I was an orphan that needed hope and love without condition.  I was starving without a Savior.  He found me... when I felt abandoned by everyone else.  He took my hand and whispered "Yó ozalí kitoko" and for the first time in my life I believed it.  At age 13, He adopted me into His family and I finally knew where I belonged in this world.  

I am confident to answer the question someone asked awhile back - "Will it ever be enough?!  Will you ever be satisfied with where you are and what you have already done."  No.  Absolutely not.  Or to put a Josh Wilson spin on it "I refuse!"  

I understand some of you want to commit me to rehab due to my addiction.  You watch in confusion as I eat chicken and rice for an entire month and my wardrobe transcends into an oblivion of various adoption shirts. :-D  You hide me from your facebook feed because you don't want to get one more of "those" posts.  To you I say, You don't know what you're missing!  

But...(and this is what is so EPIC!) there are so many more of you have joined me and are or becoming addicts yourself.  In loving orphans we have transcended barriers and found a love that can only be described as divine.  That is why we are" crazy"!  That is why we can't stop.  We have found the hidden treasure that God placed in us as He knit us together in our mother's womb.  The mystery is unraveling as we radar in on it, a mirrored love of our heavenly Father.  

If your feeling that God is far away.. That He is not listening... and your lost in this world... I dare you to try out my addiction.  LOVE.  Maybe you are that orphan feeling abandoned... that needs to believe that you are beautiful and that God has plan and purpose for you.  Say yes... believe His whisper.  Maybe you've been addicted to everything but....  it is time for you to wash yourself, make yourself clean and find the pureness that comes with leaving "you" behind.  I am still praying for you, the one that is reading my blog that needs to say "Yes" to adopt.  The one that is being called to mirror that love because you already know it, are addicted to it, and need to share it.  

Wherever you are I hope this will somehow help you understand my addiction and why I refuse to stop!