It cost you everything

Somedays I do good and I am able to operate normally (you know as normally as I can operate since I am quite strange)

And other days I am consumed.....
Today I am consumed.

God where are you leading me?
Where is my little boy?
How do I get to him?

and then

Are you sure I can do this?

I guess I thought since God pretty much brought heaven and earth together to bring Craig and I onto the same page....that finding an agency and a program would fall into place in an ordained way.  But it really hasn't.  At every door there seems to be an obstacle, another hoop to jump through.  If this is only the beginning of the process (the doubts try to assail) then how will you cope with the rest of it?

I was catching up on a few blogs today and I read that hopefully the last of those waiting for their children in Congo were able to finally go home.  Praise God for that!  I have been corresponding for months now with various people as I researched the country of DRC.  I never did hear back from Kathy about getting on a waiting list to be on a waiting list but I am sure the answer after all of this will be - "we are no longer accepting applications"  In all of this process, the door closes.  Trusting God, and moving forward on blind faith.

Currently I am looking into adopting from Rwanda.  It seems to be a better fit for us then Ethiopia.  I am a bit nervous about the "Families with more than two children are reviewed on a case-by-case basis" clause as this closed many doors for me concerning the DRC.  The twins came two at a time, but they kind of count as one right?

My eyes have been opened and God is turning my world upside down and inside out.  With greater clarity, comes much more responsibility to how I will respond, but also who will I tell?  I feel the growing pains as I am challenged to rid myself of selfishness and materialism. 

Already I am getting the looks and hearing the comments -- I've been in ministry for a long time so I most of them were not surprising but a few of them just hurt.  It really all comes down to one thing though......Why Adoption?  Why Africa?  Because God said so.  Case closed. 

I am done living in fear.  I am especially done making excuses for what I believe.  The journey I have chosen is to follow God wherever He leads me. 

I am also done giving lip service to a God who has done so much for me.  I owe Him my life and I freely give it.  So many think they can just take His gift and have it without cost.  That is so UNTRUE.  Though it is a free gift and freely given -- it will cost you everything.  But that cost is truly the gift.  For then and only then are you able to live out the purpose God has for you.  The irony though is you can't live out God's purpose when your living your own. 

I cried this week for situations out of my control because of selfish choices people are making that are hurting others and some of these people claim to have God in their lives.  I think the term has been coined "Cheap Grace"  This in itself makes me want to scream out because nothing about grace is cheap.  Jesus died for you and your response is this ____________________.  Yet somehow they justify it.

No, I am not perfect.  Yes I mess up and it is on a regular basis, but you better believe I know that Grace doesn't come freely.  I am humbled and awed on a regular basis that God chose me to be anything......to do anything.